To My Ex. (With benefits)
I love you still. Its been two years and I love you all the same. You could need me and I’ll still come running for you. Thanks for still being my friend.
But, as your friend, I’m still faced with my feelings for you. I know I don’t want to pursue romance with you. I don’t want anything than our friendship. I just mourn who you were. Before you were so sure he saved your life. Before you decided that what you have now is good enough. Before you gave up on yourself.
I need to love me more, but damn it would be better if you were here. I want to share all the good things I experience with you. I wanted that Dan and Phil friendship (before I found out that they are a couple WHOOPS).
You...are my first love. And it sucks because its onesided. When I came out and told you, I was sitting with a friend and in one of the darkest moments of my life. You knew but didn’t want me to feel bad. You...never knew how to confront issues. And still don’t. It still hurts a year later. Even after we finally sat down and talked about EVERYTHING, I’m still hurting.
I think it’s because I never had been honest with just about how much you mean to me. Outside of the sex and the unrequited love, I think you are so very cool. I love your personality and your imagination. I never met someone who just...CLICKED with me on levels that most people would ridicule me for. I’m scared thats rapidly changing with who you’re becoming. I’m scared I’ll never find someone like that again...
I’ve changed a lot, too. I’ll still trying to hold space for you. I worry that soon, the space you have for me will be taken away. That there’s no room for someone like me in your life. And...if that’s the case. Well. Good riddance. But, I guarantee its just my insecurities.
I want you to fly. I want you to be able to soar...but my love... I recognize YOU have to want that for yourself. Nothing I could ever do could make that happen. I know that logically. Emotionally, I just want you to be free in who you are. That would set me free in an ideal world. But today, I just have to learn to love me more than who you could be.
Always there for you,
Michelle