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Tough audience.  Not certain what to title this.

“Under the tongue. Just under the tongue. Go peacefully, my friend.”

It was a rough couple years. My mind and body had started crumbling. The great Scalia was dying, looking in the mirror.

I had kept the little tab in a safe place. Assurances had been given that time wouldn’t affect the potency of the drug. I had to say goodbye before I left.

My mind had dulled. My beliefs seemed to be crumbling. Feelings started cropping up that I had not felt in a long time. Awareness finds its way as you find out Antonin Scalia is no longer in charge, the smartest man in the room. Time gets us all.

I see the curtain and it gets me thinking. Beliefs tell us what lies on that other side but do those thinkings, beliefs about life after death, make up who we are, how we act, think, believe?

I had come from a family of immigrants, teachers, professors. Best and brightest all the way through. Catholic, educated in the classics and history by Jesuits with a conservative bend. Brightest guy in the room.

My heart beat America and was fueled by a mind that didn’t rest, didn’t stop. My heart responded when young but then like all things it began to wear out. Faster, faster it beat as time inflicted its toll.

“Antonin, Antonin. You must exercise, eat well, lose weight. Take these pills they will help.”

Invincible I thought of myself as a young man. Hardly, I think now as wisdom touched my bones.

“Think, think my Tony,” as I said goodbye to my family. The sounds of the old neighborhood brought me pleasure.

I had a good life. I got to use my mind for its entirety and tonight, tonight I shall go peacefully into that good night. No bible, no gun, no righteousness, blocking my thinking. I hear Bible thumpers saying it is Gods choice. I say to them how I wanted to live was my choice, my responsibility, and in my last remaining days it is again my choice as I prepare for dying.

Hypocrisy shows its face as I start stepping through the curtain. Choice to live, to love, to die, to marry. Choice rings through me here in Nowhere, Texas. I hear the ancient tomes of old Catholicism. No, no they cry as I take my last breaths peacefully, calmly.

I cover myself, put my head on my pillow and get ready for a long, long nap. I know not what awaits but I put away my shields, my armor, my thoughts, close my eyes and gently place the tab beneath my tongue and start my journey.

Tony