my little black book

she’s a fat pig. she’s mean and she’s fat and she’s big and she uses her bigness as an excuse to be mean. like i can’t be mean to her like she is to me, because it’s rude. daddy told me never to be rude. daddy told me that i should be nice to everyone, even if they’re mean to me. but mama said no, i shouldn’t hide my feelings, because when they come out it’ll be worse for everyone.

i can’t say them, but i can write them. here, in my black book. my little black book. all mine. i even got it with my own money, i saved up two dollars in nickles to buy this book. it’s all mine. my money, my feelings. my black book.

julie is a fat pig. she’s always so mean to me. she calls me a skinny jerk. she says i’m stupid and that i’m too small to mean anything, and when i die they’ll bury me without a coffin because they don’t have one small enough for me.

if i could, i’d tell her that makes no sense. because when babies die, they still get buried. my baby sister died. but she was loud and annoying, so i guess it was god. god wants everyone to be good and my sister was bad.

mommy and daddy still cry about her though, so i know that i can’t say anything about it. it’s rude.

anyway, if they can bury my sister, they can bury me. i’m small but i’m bigger than my sister. but people don’t like being told that they’re wrong. so i won’t tell julie that she’s wrong. i’ll write it in here.

you know what i think? i think that they don’t make coffins big enough for julie. she’s so fat and she’s almost as big as my mom and my mom is pregnant.

maybe i’ll get another baby sister, a good baby sister, not a bad one like the last one. or maybe i’ll get a good brother.

i hope i get a good sibling. bad siblings are annoying and when they die mama and dad get sad. they shouldn’t be sad. they were bad anyway.

maybe right now julie could fit in a coffin. she’s the size of a normal adult. as long as she doesn’t keep growing bigger. imagine how big she’ll be as an adult, she’ll be as big as a house and that’s too big to fit in a coffin.

i think julie is bad and god should kill her. the world will be better without her. he should kill her like he killed my sister. they’re both bad and evil and they should die.

maybe god wants me to kill her. like god only helps those who help themselves. maybe i should kill julie. if i kill her now then she’ll be able to fit in a coffin. she won’t have to worry about being to big. it would be helping her. it’s not rude at all.

julie pulls my hair. i tried cutting it really really short but she started pulling on my ears instead, and that hurts more.

i’m starting to really think god wants julie to die. she said that her brother got sick. i think god was aiming for her and missed. maybe i should help his aim. maybe i should make her sick.

i did some research and i learned about stuff that can make julie sick. there’s no way to see it.

i’m thinking i should poison my lunch. julie always steals my lunch. so i should poison my lunch so that she will steal it and die.

she really shouldn’t eat other people’s lunches. it’ll just make her even bigger, and if she gets bigger she’ll be too big for a coffin and they’ll have to burn her like they used to burn the witches. my dad says a body should remain whole. he says burning is bad. but of course he doesn’t say that to people. he is too polite. he talks to mama about his feelings. mama is like my little black book for him. he can tell his feelings so he doesn’t get in big trouble. i don’t want to get in big trouble either, that’s why i write in here.

mama will be so proud of me if i make my own lunch. even if i make it with poison so that julie dies. she won’t know about the poison. she will think i’m good and responsible and i want that. i want mama to think i’m a good boy. if i’m a bad boy god will kill me and i don’t want god to kill me. i’m good. i’m going to kill julie for him. so that he doesn’t have to. and julie will fit in a good coffin and won’t have to be burned, so then i’m doing her a favor too. everybody wins. god wins, i win, julie wins. win win win. i like winning. it makes me feel good. winning is good because it means people like me. i don’t really care if people like me but i think god likes winners so i want to be a winner.

i made a new friend today his name is james. james is a grown man and he gave me the poison. he gave me the poison so i could give it to julie. he’s nice and he calls me sport. i think he’s good. god will like him.

i was so nervous this morning. mommy saw me making lunch. but i was right, she’s so proud of me. i bet she’ll be proud that i’m being open about my feelings. i bet she’ll be proud that i’m a good christian. she’ll think i am a good boy, not like my sister. my sister was a bad girl. i bet she’ll love me even more than her new baby inside her stomach. i bet i’m her favorite.

they took julie away in an abulance but i know it doesn’t matter. my poison is good, it’s from james and james knows how to do things right. he’s a good man, like me. he says i’m a man now too. i like that. i went to see him in the alley after school and he told me i did a good job.

i like james a lot.

people in suits came to my house today. they asked me about my lunch. i told them mommy always makes my lunches, and she’s really good at it.

they got mad at mommy and took her away.

i think she’s in big trouble and i don’t know why.

daddy got mad at me. he said i was supposed to say that i made the lunch. i asked him what lunch and he said the lunch that killed julie. i got the feeling that if i told him the truth i’d be in big trouble and daddy would get sad. daddy told me not to talk about rude things so i should lie so i’m not in trouble.

life is better with julie gone. and mom gone too. i get the feeling that her baby was going to be another bad baby, and that’s why god took her away. he took her away because she was a badness machine. i think she has some poison inside her and it makes her sick. it means her babies are bad. so god had to get rid of her.

but not me. god likes me. i’m a good boy.

daddy is mean to me like julie was. he always smells bad too. i’m starting to think that he’s been possessed by a demon. i think that he needs to die. he’s become bad too, and god wants him dead. but i have to kill him. because maybe god will miss dad. like he missed julie and hit her brother. i don’t want god to miss and hit me. i think he’ll be sad if i die. he wants me alive. so i’m going to kill dad so that god has no chance of missing his target.

i went back to james and he gave me more poison. he told me that it’s okay, my daddy was a bad man, and that i could come stay with him. i’m glad. i like james. he’s my best friend even though he’s an adult.

so i put some of the poison in daddys bad drink that makes him mean. then i waited.

when daddy went cold i went back to james in the alleyway and james said he would take me to my new home. he has a big car. it’s all big and white. it smells awful but i can’t tell him that because it’s rude. and james is nice i don’t want to hurt his feelings. it’s mean to hurt peoples feelings and i don’t want to be like julie. i am a good boy. i write all my feelings in here so they don’t hurt anyone.

i’m not sure i like james anymore. the room he put me in is cold and he won’t let me leave. i’m starting to think that he’s not my friend. he’s a bad man. just like julie. and my dad. i think he needs to go away forever.

i asked god what to do but i didn’t get an answer. god helps those who help themselves. i have to do this to prove to god how good i am. i am a good boy. god will protect me.

i still have some poison left over in the little baggie that james gave me. he didn’t take it away. i think i’m going to give it to him. but i don’t know how. i need to think. i need to be a good boy like my mom and dad taught me before they turned bad. i need to be good to take on the bad.

there are loud noises outside now. they sound like guns. i hope that they’re big guns. i hope they blow james’s head off and it flies into a wall and his brains turn to liquid. but that’s rude so i can’t say that. i can only hope that the men with guns do what me and god would want them to do.

i hope they kill james.

hang on, i hear one of them say. i think i found something, he says, there’s a kid in here.

i think they found me which is good. these are good men. they will help me. if they kill james then i don’t have to and that’s good because i’m out of ideas. i hope they shoot him.

but now the guns have stopped and i hear james talking

he came to me, james says, he came to me first, it’s not my fault.

i stare up at the cops. i know that james is telling the truth, but he’s trying to get me in trouble and that’s rude. i can’t be rude but i have to tell them that james is a bad man. how do i tell them without being rude?

i’m trapped here, i say, and that’s true, and that seems to work. that’s not rude at all that’s just stating a fact and that’s okay because it’s not a mean fact either.

the men take james away and they put me in a comfy room. i asked them if i could go and they said, no, we have to figure out what to do with you. i don’t like the sound of that so now i’m thinking about how to escape. if i could i would kill them all but i don’t have enough poison. plus maybe they’re not all bab maybe they’re just listening to someone bad. i have to get out. i have to get out of here now. right now.

the door isn’t locked but there are cameras and when i open the door everything gets loud so i run fast. i run away.

now i am hiding in the woods. i dont know where but i know that i can’t trust anyone. i have to continue god’s work alone. my only friend is this book.

my little black book.