To:
I've spent a whole lot of time worrying about silly things. Let me reiterate. Silly to me. Anxiety tends to get the best of me, especially when it comes to my responsibilities. When I should be holding on steadfast, I loosen my grip too much. It costs me, sometimes a great deal. I used to think that it was my appreciation of unstructured time (but to be lazy would honestly be a comfort). As it turns out, I am deathly afraid of succeeding. I think this is due to my conception that 'If I can succeed, there is the possibility of failure'. I know that I am more than capable, but I falter whenever something goes wrong. I treat that as the norm instead of the statistic anomaly. That's what hurts. Anything beyond my front door seems to be the possibility of failure. What if I say something that isn't socially acceptable? What if I do something that is counter-intuitive to my career field? What norm do I paint for them? Do I become the statistical anomaly? Even this seems silly, it seems like it shouldn't be a fear. I shouldn't have to live day in and day out in this condition.
Those who depend on me, I can't help but feel like I owe them an apology. They have wasted so much time and effort on me. How do I continue to strive, to live, feeling like I have always received the ugly end of the stick? I know full well that others have it worse than I do, but self-pity tends to breed selfishness. That is how I end up feeling after I come to the conclusion that I am wasting my breath. I am selfish. I pity myself and do so without any consideration to others. Is this passiveness supposed to be so irritating? I feel like I could really drag others in the dirt around me if I wanted to build that throne. However, I don't feel like I could go through with it in the end. Ha, indecisiveness. That clearly defines me. I am indecisive to the core. I want to succeed but I don't want to fail. I want to pity myself but I don't want to be selfish. I want to drag everyone down to the earth, but I feel too sheepish. It's ugly, it's morose when one takes a moment and studies it. Pathetic, it is truly pathetic. I am scared of my own ability to be responsible for myself. Where do I get off thinking I should hold any more granules of sand in my hand compared to the next person? It is a shame that I want to be so careful, and not experience life for its possibility, and instead, I experience the statistical anomalies. I focus on them like they were the entirety of my life. Dismiss the great things I have now, and focus on the horrible, grueling, morbid curiosity that is my inability to be self-satisfied.