Downward Spiral
You told me just to write. Purge what I have been bottling up. Your thoughts, emotions, pain, happiness, and whatever else flows out of your mind. Right now, I am sitting in this apartment, which feels like an old prison, with DJ. A man who makes my anxiety increase very quickly and my mellow calm instantly. He makes it hard for me to breathe, makes me nervous for whats to come.
He is already in a mood and us being in the same room not talking is only making it worse. He looks at me and says "This is a lot of work, setting up this PS4. Do you think Bug should pick her own username?" I stated, "Whatever you want, I don't care." I knew in the end it did not matter, my opinion, he would do what he wanted to. He called Bug out of bed to get her to choose her username. I think it could have waited till morning.
Being here makes my skin crawl and I must hold back tears. So many memories and reminders of the past years that it is like a constant living flashback. The certain smells that waft through here take me back to the summer when Bug went to Texas and stayed with Mom. Days followed by nights of dope fueled interactions and fights. Mostly fights due to our completely different views on life, someone stole the others dope, and the fact that our memories were not saved exactly how they should have been.
After days and days of no sleep, little food, and minimal human interaction your mind starts to turn on reality. You start with little pieces of a story being off, then those little pieces grow into delusions. Delusions make you question whats reality and whats fantasy. You get to a point that you question your sanity. All side effects of the dope.
Due to those side effects our fights got out of control and were mostly over things that never happened or and something that did happen mixed with a crazy delusion. Either way, due to the circumstances they were all battels that had no end, no resolve. Without a resolution the fighting was never truly over. All that unresolved negative emotion between us caused us to never truly heal. We never had the opportunity to process, accept, and forgive. Without the ability to obtain closer I cannot forgive you and allow another chance for us to fall into a downward spiral.
#P2Pchallange #Mindpurge #wordvomit #newbie #downwardspiral