Sensual Lover (A Confession)

I, at the tender age of seventeen, have found myself to be a…sensual lover.

Mind you, I don't mean sensual in the sexy sense. I mean sensual in the way of…intimacy.

The sensual acts that are amazing when executed properly.

The things I crave doing with you…

(Every voice in my head at once, "Here you go again…")

I never set out to write about you, you always blindside my mind…sneaking in and invading all my thoughts in that…way you have.

Speaking of having…can I have you? Can I taste you, touch you, love you? For as long as we both shall live or even just for a night?

It's the wondering that makes this hard.

Wondering about the way you'd feel against me, cuddled up around and into me, just living in that moment with me…

(Did I mention that the image of you with him haunts my every waking hour?)

Wondering about how you'd sound moaning, screaming, sighing my name…about how you'd feel, how you'd taste.

Wondering about waking up to you…about calling you mine…about being your "my bae, best bae"

Wondering if you love me…

You say you do…and every piece of me wants to give in and believe you but I know that you don't, know that you'd never hurt someone you love the way you've hurt me.

You are my stream of consciousness, these days my every thought is about you…

And everyone wants me to be strong…wants me to just let go as if loving you hasn't been the only thing keeping me sane these past four years…

They want me to shout "fuck her" from the rooftops and some days I'm so tempted to do exactly that that I could go insane…

But you're you…and even at your bitchiest, you've always been enough for me

Screw that, you'll always be enough for me

And so it's by loving you that I (at the age of seventeen years, three months, and four days) have gone completely insane.

Is there a scale of insanity? One to ten? A newborn baby to someone like Jeffrey Dahmer?

(If that's the case, Jeff and I are the closest of friends…)

Conclusion?

I don't want to do anything anymore.

I don’t want to live, I don’t want to breathe, I don’t even want to exist

I just want you to love me.