Seeking Employment

Highly unqualified person seeking upper management position with a salary exceeding all others and immediate benefits including 12 months vacation. The position must come with quick promotion potential aimed toward my personal goal of becoming company president within my first year. Essential to the conditions of employment will be that I will only work remotely from my home or anywhere I choose.

I have no experience or interest in the goals of your organization. I have no intention to add to the profitability, function or fulfill any service that would assist you in obtaining any objectives of your firm, in fact, plan to suck everything I can from your organization. I don’t give a damn about anyone or anything but what I want when I want it and I want it all now.

Additionally, I also feel intitled to steal as I please and will take anything made available to me from paper clips to manufacturing equipment, basically anything that fits my needs and pick-up truck. I will lie and cheat. I will falsify all documents to my own advantage.

I come with a strong inability to be cooperative, take direction, complete tasks, or collaborate with others. I am a bigot with strong political and philosophical views. I will refuse to deal with those of genders, race, religions, or sexual preferences that go against my beliefs and must have the option to come in and shoot up your facility killing any person that pisses me off.

You have three minutes to text me with your agreement to hire me or I will deny your request and immediately offer my unique services to your competitors. Got it asshole?