Amnesia

It’s weird

When you think of amnesia

You think of losing a lifetime

But for me

For us

It’s minutes

It’s days we have no memory of until someone let’s us in

It’s the little things

It’s the big things

That take so little time

That impact us for the rest of time

It’s not knowing how you got somewhere

It’s being startled when the TV plays a comercial

When a character was in the middle of a sentance

It’s the little things

Sometimes it’s memories you wish would have stayed gone

Or pain you never wanted to know

Of course it’s not always minutes

Or even days

Some times it’s weeks

Months

Even Years.

And with the pain

Lie happy memories

Memories that I want to know

But I also don’t

Because it then feels like the abuse is excused

That the pain was Justified

The trauma was Justified

That I am Not justified

And suddenly I’m a little kid

I have no rights again

I deserve the pain again

I do not deserve to live again

But then I remember the minutes I’ve lost

I remember the people who lived those memories

I remember that they have my back

That I am not alone

However frustrating that may be

However many times I want them to stop singing

To stop critisising

They are there

They are Real

Even if we don’t have a diagnosis yet

Even if we don’t always believe it

We are..

We are us.

And That’s enough for us.