I spend too much time swimming in the pools of the past. Reliving the times of happiness that came from seemingly endless possibilities and new human connection. Oh the life I was to have, full of deep friendships, full of adventure and the realization of my dreams. I would wake up excited to see the people I knew and to grow as a person, those days are long gone. I am not the man I once was, although sometimes it still feels that way, and perhaps, somewhere deep down, I still am.
For all the talk of "personalities", society has a funny way of grinding them to dust. You soon realize that those smiling faces hide secret agendas, what seems genuine to you is merely another stepping stone for someone else, and once stepped on you are left in the dirt and forgotten. Used this way you are grounded down until you forget you yourself are human, and not just a tool for the benefit of others. If you're a tool then others must be as well, so you start using people accordingly.
It started off small for me, using a friend to meet someone in my industry. I got a good job out of it, suddenly surrounded by new "friends" I let the original one go, back to the dirt from whence he came. Once I realized this had no consequences it became normal. When I was lonely I would fake love for another, when I was angry I would berate another, when I was greedy I would manipulate and take. I have become everything that hurt me and I have become everything that I hate.