For Really All Meanings Exactly....
“I didn’t do it!” I protested loudly.
“That’s what they ALL say!” Sergent Lashkey had heard protestations of innocence before and was clearly unmoved.
“But it wasn’t me!”
“Your fingerprints were found all over the wooden structure, you posted on your social media account last week the outline of how and why you intended to steal the painting and what you would do with it after you had taken it. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know you stole it, so where is it now? Have you already sold it?”
“I was involved in the construction. Of course My fingerprints are all over it! Why would I steal it? I wanted some of the credit for assembling it and in any case, it’s way too big for me to carry on my own.”
“We’ll find your accomplice in due course. Give us his or her name and we’ll give you a reduction in sentencing for assisting us in catching whoever devised this grand theft.”
“As for social media, anyone could access my account. My password is easy to guess anyway.”
“Let me say this in the nicest possible way, “Sgt Lashkey still had a mean look on his face, even as his words sweetened the meaning, “I do NOT believe you! Who would incriminate you? Why would anyone bother to entrap you? Who do you think is stiching you up, if you didn’t do this?”
“The real thief, of course! To throw you off the scent while he or she gets away with this! While I’m caught in their trap. I think you should interview Fred Radstock And Mike Edgerton - they had more opportunity and motive than me. Firstly, Radstock Always Monitored Everything; secondly, Fred Recently Attended Miscellaneous Exhibitions - presumably looking for sales opportunities for the stolen items; thirdly, Fred Ridiculed Anyone Making Expostulations against him and I Formally Reprimanded And Minuted Evidence of his errors, so he had reasons for hating me; Fourthly, Radstock Announced Monday’s Exit from the company, so now he has Full Reasons And Motive - Etcetera! Following Radstock’s Arrest, Maybe Everything will be cleared up?”
Sgt Lashkey thought for a moment. “Okay, I accept your explanations. I won't charge you in connection with the theft, but instead I will charge you with Forcibly Ruining And Mutilating English.”