I Fit In But I Don’t Belong
I don’t know anything anymore
I can’t even begin to think about what it is that’s going on
I used to write and the nonsense would flow out of me through pen and ink like my body finally had a means of purging the blur of heart and head muscles
It’s worse than depression
I’m confused and lost
I feel regret and resentment toward myself and it comes out as bitterness against others
I don’t know what this is or why it’s here
I can’t be alone enough but I am so lonely
I don’t want to talk to anyone but everyone hates my silence
And I don’t know where to go
I can’t see how to navigate and I’m disoriented in my own body
What am I doing?!
I’m trying to be healthy but I smoke
I’m trying to be happy but I’m never in the right place
I feel like I’m missing my chances, my targets that don’t even exist, every time
It’s like having empty goals
Motivation to change but no tools to create or work on change
I feel stuck.
I’m not free.
I’m burdened and a burden
I feel like my world crumbled years ago and there’s never been a time to rebuild or find myself under the rubble
And I can’t fucking breathe
My worst fear is not having the room to breathe or the space to move
But even when I move I don’t know where to move to
Nothing is okay
It’s so dumb how every morning someone says, “Good morning, how are you?”
Is it a good morning? Because I’m pretty fucking miserable
And every time I say, “I’m good, how are you?”
Like we both don’t know just how shitty it is feeling this way
Like we both just say “good” because that’s easier than explaining yourself to another human
Because it’s better than scaring someone off when you actually value them
Nobody cares about what’s not okay with you
They don’t want to hear it
It’s too much effort for them to engage and acknowledge what’s wrong
So you just say “good” and hope they don’t recognize the hindrance and subtle sadness in your quavering voice
You just say “good” so they’ll leave it at that and move on
Divert the attention away from yourself
Because even for as desperately as you crave to spill your guts
The deepest depths of yourself
You can’t bring yourself to just tell them what’s actually wrong
But you couldn’t anyway because you don’t even know what’s wrong.
I’m just lost and confused and stuck...
There’s no tunnel to be in that shines light at the end
There’s no road with street lights and no fog line at the edge
But you’re faith in the edge is clear because you’re already there
I’m at the edge.
And I’m so fucking close to jumping off into nothing
It’s not worthwhile to be here
No one to love or call my own
No one to share with and care for, with equal reciprocation
A world full of hate and ugly
Just a planet infested with diseased minds and polluted souls
Just another rock in the galaxy to call home and it never fucking feels like home.
I want to leave
I hate it here
I want to go back to where my soul came from
They say I have work to do and I’m here for a reason
But why should I bother and help those who aren’t worthy?
And I’m not even righteous or some perfect entity
I’m this human angel stuck in the physical realm
Doomed by human influence
I’m not of this world but I’m here to fulfill some forsaken purpose for it
No one to tell me what it is or where to find it
No one to tell me how I can begin to feel vindicated in knowing that yes, I fit in, but I do not belong.
And my whole body aches with spasms that convulse for every bad deed done by others
For every negative behavior the world is subjected to by its human inhabitants
My body, the physical trash that has never felt like my own, rejects the very existence it was born into
Rejects the very world it came from.
It isn’t fair that I feel all of this
It isn’t okay that I’m not with others like me
It’s not alright that I’m on my own in a world chalk full of chaos in need of order
And I could never just give up and blend in and walk away from it all
Because it’s constantly scratching at my skin to bleed the help it needs from me
I always have some answer or advice or wisdom to bestow onto others when they need it
But never for myself
Am I ahead of the game or terribly behind it?
I’m drained already.
I always feel exhausted but I can’t sleep
Why do I detest the very thing I feel most?
Everyone else’s energy.
It’s always everyone else’s and I drown in the noise that they push out
I don’t know how to block it out
Or if I should
Am I supposed to be miserable?
Is this what Life is supposed to be?
What is it that I’m missing?
I just don’t know anything anymore.