justice

what did i do to deserve this rationalized to all but me

heartache

that keeps getting dished out to me more and more

i lay in my bed

and i wait for the time to strike the chime just perfectly at least enough for me to remember the

secret ring

of how i get into the better part of this

instead of always being the butt end of the ship taking off and leaving me

alone with nothing but debris

and i am wasted

my logic nor my intuition hits home

i ponder continuous possibile solutions in my head moment after ticking moment

and the bomb still always goes off in the end

.

what am i not understanding

am i too awkward to want to be accompanied

did you get me all dressed up like a queen just to

tell me to get down on all fours and kiss your feet because you are tired from running

running away from me

from everything that means a damn to me

my feelings

my heart

my pieces

my love

my anything

anything that has anything to do with me

and your tired of running

running my life

running your issues into me with a knife

pushing me inbetween blade and the walls

and i am suffering

wincing in pain

its often hard to see which way

i am supposed to be going

did you want me to go away

and which way would that be going

exit stage right stage left

i feel like everything is staged

and you're all just watching me

like some suspense thriller on cable tv

waiting for my final moment

waiting for my life to shatter into something i will not be able to piece back together and i am still

stuck in absolute zero motion

caught

unable to get out of the way

of the anger you've got coming my way

because i am bewildered

and puzzled

not understanding what i did to deserve this

when i thought i made you complete

and thought you completed me

like the bridge over trouble waters

only when you lay me down

its more like laying me out

for the vultures

and you pick apart my rotted insides

of horror stories i can barely whisper to this day

and then take it out on me

try to blame me for rotting

well i didn't want that shit alive in me

i didn't want that shit to breathe

so i pushed it under further than layers of skin can go deep

and i kept it

because i would never give it to anybody

and i turn it to dust

crumble it to earth little by little

as i deal with it

and it is hurting

pulling it out is nearly as bad as putting it in

sharp edges now rusted sharp edges

and you blame me for everything

and i am wondering how i can ease your pain

make your anger go away

but unfortunately i am beginning to think

that you have it set in your head

that i am too imperfect to ever make you happy

so our dream lays a waste

and you won't quit the madness until i've gone away

but that kills me

because i love you so much more than anything

and you just want me as far as i can possibly be

so i'll begin my distancing

still i just don't understand what i did to deserve this

when i loved you baby

and i wanted this so badly

maybe so badly that i broke it

i always do stupid things

at least thats what they tell me

maybe i should never have expected

that i could be good enough to fill the shoes that are good enough to walk next to you maybe i am worthless

maybe i am a horrible person

but i just don't understand what i did so badly, so wrongly

to have this be given to me as justice.

but then justice never was really fair, was it baby?