To those who have lost love to addiction, and to my younger self
Right now you may feel like you are being dragged deeper and deeper into that incredibly sad trench of self-loathing. You are immersed in complete and utter darkness that is so powerful it is almost addictive. It is so easy to give in to it. Deep down you know you need to fight, but you have lost the will to live. You will continue to entertain the thought of death until you get too close for comfort and suddenly decide that you crave the light again. Death is not the answer.
When he died, you felt like part of your soul died too. You do not think you will ever find love again and you want him to wait for you. You promised you would see him again one day soon, but you cannot bring yourself to take that step. You knew when you first met him that he was someone special; that the universe brought him to you for a reason. He was your first true love. First, he was merely a distraction from the guilt and disgust you felt after falling victim to your own string of traumas. What you loved most about him was that he showed you how to confidently be completely and unapologetically yourself, no matter what anyone had to say.
It is impossible to live life with no regrets. There are so many things you wish you had done differently; so many experiences you want to forget, but everything you went through will shape the person you will become in the future. Your first love was toxic, complicated, and extremely bad for your sanity. I want you to know that one day you will wake up and you will be sincerely happy. Someone incredible will find their way into your life and show you how truly magical real love and trust can be. This person will both terrify and ignite you. This person will bequeath to you everything you desire and deserve in life. This person will make you feel like your soul is on fire and you could not put it out even if you wanted to. This person will be selfless, brave, and the thing that you be most grateful for is he will never touch a single drug in his life. You will feel safe and secure, because you will have the confidence that this person will fight to come back to you every single day.
So, you see there is a light at the end of this seemingly endless, dark, and grief-stricken tunnel that you are fighting through right now. Those monsters you are battling every day will soon learn that they have no control over you. In the end you will defeat them. This battle will be strenuous and exhausting, and will seem like it lasts forever, but no matter how desperately you may want to, you will never lay your head down and surrender to the darkness. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. What I most desperately want to tell you is to be easy on yourself. You were blind. You never thought he would die. In those six years together, you told him so many times that if he did not clean up his shit he would end up in jail or dead, but you never actually believed he would die. He was doomed from the start. His alcoholic mother and dead-beat drug-using father made damn sure that he would never escape the demons that plagued that family. But you know what? You were the light in his life. Today, I understand that he was not a bad person. He was an exceptionally good person who was born from troubling circumstances, and YOU made his life worth living. He may be gone from your sight and your touch, but he will never leave your heart and he is undoubtedly watching over you. Today, he is happy to see that I am still alive and trying my absolute best to become the best version of myself possible.
I implore you to keep going. No matter how impossible the victory may seem, keep pushing and fighting every day until the day comes when it hurts less, and life seems a bit more beautiful than it did the day before. Once you pass that milestone, you will feel the heaviness start to wane and light and love will find you once again. I love you. You will find someone who loves you even more. What is most important is that you learn to love yourself for the incredibly beautiful soul that you are.
Completely and unapologetically yours,
Your future self.