Still Screaming

The sunrise is great, beautiful really, but I can’t focus on it. I can’t see it. Not really. I’m too lost, too distracted. I just can’t do it right now, really I can’t. I have been, but I can’t. I laugh, I joke, I talk, but it’s still there. Deep down it hurts. I can’t say anything, I can’t feel anything, I can’t scream loud enough to break the silence. I forget about it sometimes. Sometimes it’s like it was never even there, but the smallest things send it shooting back up. An invisible barrier between me and everyone. It’s a deep, throbbing pain that resides in my chest. It pulses through my lungs, strangling the air until it hurts to breathe. It’s the feeling that I’m shaking and trembling when I’m sitting perfectly still. It’s the cold shiver that holds itself between me and the warmth around me. It’s what I stare after when my friends and family have to pull me back to Earth. Why do they see it?

I hide it. Why? I want them to know. I want them to help. I can’t find the words. The words I do find send me into a panic and I can’t. I get so tired of it, I go to sleep early. I lay down and then… I’m wide awake. Thinking… Regretting. I fabricate and change and write words, but this is the truth. The undeniable, terrifying, towering, truth. It hurts. Tears break through in the same annoying way and I’m glad no one is there to ask, but I want them to know. I want them to feel it, to know, to help, but I’ve never been a brave person. I’ve been fearless in carelessness, but never with words. Words that have to be chosen carefully, precisely. I bury it deeper, try and forget it even more, but the pain pushed down just seems to echo louder. I feel like I’m shaking just writing this. I wonder if someone will see these words or if I’ll delete them later. I don’t want to. I want people to know what it’s really about, but I feel so stupid, so embarrassed about how I feel, because it’s irrelevant to everything. I try to tell them.

I open doors, slowly, cautiously, and they don’t hear me. So I let the doors slam in my face. I’ll try again later, but I know it’ll have the same result. They can’t hear screaming if you keep it in your head. They can’t hear the pain in the silence. They can’t see how you feel. They can’t feel your thoughts. They can’t know without help. I don’t think they’d know even if I told them. It’s something you have to feel. Something they won’t feel. I want to talk to them, but there is never time. What happened to time? Where is time? I want to find it. I want it to be here, in the darkness, in the silence, like an alarm blaring in the dark morning. I want time to be here. I want it to wake me up, out of this nightmare.

I try to cry out, but something stops me. Like drowning. Like every time you open your mouth to scream the water traps the sound and pushes it back down your throat. No. Not water. Not drowning. Quicksand. Sinking. You do nothing and you sink. You struggle and fight and every ounce of strength buries you more. If only there were one person who was standing by you. Someone who could lift you out, after all I’ve done my fair share of lifting. Of saving. I do it, even though I’m still stuck. Even though I help them out and they leave. It’s my fault they leave, I shouldn’t have hid the fact that I was sinking too. That’s how I knew to pull them out. Their fear, sadness, anger, pain, I saw it reflecting in their eyes. I saw deep down. I saw them screaming. I knew the words that would free them.

I made progress. Backwards progress. I chose the wrong words. I chose backwards, fake words and someone saw through them. She knew. She saw my eyes. She saw me drowning… She pulled me out. For a while I was free… But there was an issue. I never made it out of the quicksand. She saw me drowning… She didn’t hear me scream. She’s gone now, I can’t yell loud enough to bring her back. She can’t hear me. They STILL DON’T HEAR ME!!! I scream finally loud enough to make a noise… But it’s too late. I’m sitting at the bottom, underneath miles of sand. Too far away to be heard. I look around. It’s not quicksand. I wish it was. I wish I suffocated. I wish I had drowned, but I was still here, still drawing in seconds, still waiting for time.

I’ve taken a lot of things for granted, but this was by far the worst. For two years I believed it would be forever. I always counted the somedays, one days, tomorrow, and now, as an infinity, but in less than a day it switched to nothing more than yesterdays. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop shaking. I still can’t stop trembling. I can’t stop the cold. I can’t stop hoping I’ll get another day, but everyday that chance fades and it hurts more. It hurts. It still hurts. Everyday hurts more. Each feeling feels less. Anger twists around me like a thorny vine. Hurting me and hurting everything that comes towards me equally. It protects me from my sadness, but it just makes it hurt even more. It tries to block my tears from the world, but it doesn’t help, they still slip though, choking me as I fall into an uneasy sleep.

I’m okay. It’s okay. I tell them as I shiver at the invisible cold. I’m happy, I laugh, I make them laugh. They turn away and the smile leaves with them, my eyes burying the pain inside. It’s stupid, I tell myself, there’s no reason to be sad. I smile at my reflection, convincing my eyes to see how happy I am. I see pictures of me and my friends. Smile! I remember them saying it. Telling me to. I remember doing what they said. An empty smile. I stumbled across a photo my mom had taken. She didn’t tell me to smile. It was who was standing next to me. She made me smile. It wasn’t a good picture. The sunset ignited the sides of the image in a way that revealed every little flaw. Her eyes were a pure white from the glare. My hair was a mess. I looked cringy. I hated the way I looked. But I took the photograph anyway. I couldn't stop staring in awe. There was a real genuine smile on my face. I mimicked that smile from there on out. It convinced them. It convinced me. I’m tense. Fake happy hard. Fake it until you make it, right? How long until I make it? I fell asleep, convinced I was making it.

My dream was horrifying. I couldn’t free my gaze from the woman across the room. I knew it was a dream. It was still terrifying. Her hair was drenched, hanging down past her waist like soggy seaweed. Her mouth stretched down impossibly far, her eyes bulged from her head. They called her the Screaming Lady. You could see the desperation in her face as she was locked in a permanent scream that made no sound. She followed me around. Her face. Her name. Trodded around my head all day. I thought about it. I thought about how they say parts of your dreams are trying to subconsciously tell you something. I realized why she was there. She was the part of me I was trying to forget. The part that was still screaming. With that the fake wall fell away. I felt the pain again. I began to drown again. I’m still screaming. Right now I’m screaming. These words seem random and weak and fake, but I. Am. Still. Screaming. I’m running out of breath.

It hurts to scream, but I keep doing it anyway. These words scare me. I know their truth. I feel the pain rise in my chest, throbbing like a second heartbeat. Right beside me. My shadow that I can’t let go of. My friend knows. He asks me why I’m sad. I have no reason to be sad, he says, unlike him. I want to tell him that pain is irrelative. It affects people for different reasons. The same reason hurts people at different levels. It doesn’t mean one is better and one is worse, they just are. I don’t say anything. Just shrug and walk away. Denying. Avoiding. He can talk to others, all of us he talks to understand his pain. They don’t get mine, I stay silent. I want to explain it to them, but I can’t find someone who’s felt the same way. I want to find them. I want to tell them. I want to cry. I want them to comfort me. But I don’t want pity. I don’t want the pretense of understanding. I want them to know! Why can’t anyone know? Why do I have to be so stupid? So childish. I hate it. I hate me. I scream. I don’t think I’ll ever stop.

But it's okay... I'm Okay.