*Warning: more cursing than usual
Every damned minute
Worried that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing
I'm not writing that fucking stupid 'if you don't know yourself, you're not worthy' essay I need to write
And it's bad
yeah, that's right, bad
('cause who the hell knows 'themself' anyway)
'cause my life depends on that shit
I should be making that hypocritical presentation
The one that wants me to creatively design
How I changed the world in a future
That obviously hasn't fucking happened
Make it funny, make it beautiful, make me worth it
Yet this same thing,
the reason I have to make this stupid PowerPoint because I'm oh so fucking stable and have my whole life planned out
The same thing is supposed to lead me to find my passion
How the hell does that work uhn?
If I knew exactly how that future is going to work,
Exactly what passion I "explored" to change this fucked up world
why the hell do I need you then?
You just want me to dream uhn?
Well, I'm done dreaming!
This is my life, the real deal
Not a damn pilot episode of a fairytale!
Whatever wants to happen, needs to happen now
Not in the future
& definitely not just in that bright happy place
that's my imagination.
My future depends on that shit
And even worse
My hope of ever getting away from my so called 'family'
depends on that
So I have to do it
Just right now
I don't want to have to think about that
Can I just not have to worry about that?
Can I just cry for something else
feel terrible for some other reason
something that matters
something that decides whether I live or die
Some reason that's not about changing the world
holding it together
But about keeping me from falling apart
Your time is running out
Like hell I don't know that
And like hell I don't want to just run out of time already
The time of all times
The real time that can actually fucking run out.