Where blue waves meet the golden sky for one last time.
But that is what I’m trying to say, Dearest.
That this past year,
everything has changed
and I love you, I really do
but I am unable to continue
being in love with you…
I’m trying to tell you
that you are better off
without this fallen baby angel
with ripped and crumpled wings…
I’m trying to say
that I no longer have it in me
to yearn for you,
to long for you,
and I’m losing my soul trying to love you
come what may…
Please believe me, Dearest.
I do not see the sun setting
as the moon rises;
I do not see the waves rise and fall
to meet the brilliant blue sky
shining in all its glory…
I do not see you leaving your coat with me to come back for it…
I do not see you coming back for another kiss…
Please forgive me, Dearest.
I cannot see ahead now,
my thoughts are fogged with
a deep, infinite grief
that doesn’t seem to end…
I cannot feel my heart now
it doesn’t beat with as much vigor
it doesn’t pump with as much love…
I gave you all I had left,
and I’m still trying;
to give you parts of me
to make a few memories for you
that you may want to come back and touch
should you feel the need to…
But know this, my Masculine.
I still do love you a lot
and I always will,
nothing can change that;
but I don’t have much of me left
and there’s still a few things I need to do
and I do not want much
in the years to come
I am content with the few
simple pleasures I have now
and my solitude serves me well…
I need to gather my wings around me now
make a cocoon and curl up
into a small ball of love-
love that’s enough just for me;
and sleep a good sleep
and dream a good dream
of a small babygirl playing with her mother
in a field of white roses
in the warm glittering sunshine…
I need to go back to my mother now;
that is all I have energy for
and that is all I await now.
I need my mother now, Dearest…
I need to find her
I need to go to where she is
I know now- it is only there
that I’ll find the absolution,
the love that I seek…
and I don’t wish to go on
on any path
that doesn’t lead to her.
So for now I guess
I’m asking you to let me go
and don’t want me back into your reality…
I have things to do that I promised my mother I would with every last bit of me I have left;
I have to honor her memory by loving myself
like she would have expected me to…
Please let me go,
Please let me go,
Please let me go.
-This is hard for me. You aren’t here. I don’t see a way out.
-I would have told you all of this in person. But you don’t see me, you don’t talk to me. You don’t give me a chance to communicate. That’s not a good thing you’ve done; not a good thing.
-I write these here so that you may find them if you come looking; but I know you won’t. You never do.
-You’re long gone, but I’m still here. Writing this post feels like packing up the last box in an empty house that you no longer know well; you don’t want to leave but suddenly there isn’t a house left and your box is full of broken glass and it hurts. It’s not a good feeling, I can tell you that.
-Not having you in my life is starting to feel like the new norm; and I’m beginning to try to be okay with it. I should at least try, right?
-Whatever this was, I did not deserve it. I did not.
-I wish I had my mom around to teach me that boys like you aren’t good, but I don’t. I wish I had someone to talk to about all of what you did to me, but I don’t. I guess I have myself though, but I’m not sure how to go about that as yet.
-You need to let me let you go.
-Take care, Love.