Realization
I hate these meetings. I ran into the church building and into the room. No one was talking at all. Drat. I'm late! I sat down and looked at the time. Oh no. I'm on time. Why is everyone so quiet then?
Just then the leader called the meeting to order. Oh. It was just the awkward silence before it started then.
Just then I realized that I had sat next to Gavin in my hurry to not be late. Drat. I mean, technically I was supposed to sit by him cause we're the ward representitives and all, but I wanted to sit next to Raina.
Raina and I had become close these last couple months. I now consider her my best friend, although that term scares me.
I sat through the meeting, bored out of my head. I really just wanted to go home and call my cousin. But I'm a good child, so Ill stay here and pretend to care about what is happening. Sigh. I looked up and exchanged regretful smiles with Raina. Guess we're not talking today!
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I got home and looked at my phone. One text fron Raina! I opened it.
"Sorry I didn't get to talk to you today," it said.
"It's okay!" I said. "I wanted to talk to you too, but you know, seating arrangements and stuff."
"Yeah I felt bad though," Raina said.
I smiled. Raina and I are both overly apologetic. I frowned after remembering my frustration with having to sit next to Gavin.
I wrote a quick rant.
"Ugh Gavin makes me so mad!! Hes so nice but then I want to hate him but I can't and I want to be friends and I can't and ugh."
I knew I wasn't making any sense.
"Uhhh ok why do you want to hate him?" was the reply.
I tried to figure out how to explain my annoyance.
"Okay so he is Austin's new best friend, and he's really nice, but I'm so annoyed, and I know its not his fault."
Wow. Apperently I forgot how to communicate.
"Ok and why can't you be friends with him?" I could tell Raina was confused.
"Because every time I'm around him depression kicks in," I said.
As I said it, I realized that it was true.
I quickly shot off another text. "It's because of bad connotation. I didn't realize this until right now, actually."
"Well maybe become better friends with him?" Raina suggested.
"I know we would probably get along swell, but everytime I try, I just leave sad and on the edge of tears. And I just hope I can get over this soon because I hate this so much. Its like my brain is like, you're around the person who stole your best friend? Time to be sad."
I sat there after saying that. Something about it struck me. I'd never realized that I haven't really tried to get along with Gavin. I bet we would be good friends. Him and Austin are cronies, after all. But I'd never really tried. Why?
My phone beeped. Raina had sent me another message. A long one this time
"Well Lila listen. As much as you might hate it, Austin probably won't be in your life the same way as last year. And if you become better friends with Gavin that could be really good. I know change is hard but you need to let yourself be happy and ok with the change."
I cried. I didn't really know why, but I bawled.
All I said back was, "I know you're right." I couldn't handle anything more. I sat there, on my floor, clutching my phone, crying.
Another text popped up. "You might know it. But you got to believe it. Plus God doesn't want you to be sad. Maybe Gavin is God trying to help you be happier. And maybe not. But you need to be happy because I know how hard prolonged sadness is."
I realized what was bothering me. I started typing.
"Its not just Gavin. Its just really hard for me to come close to someone. Ever since I was little, like really little, once I would make a really good friend and call them my best friend it was like a ticking time bomb was set off. Every single time I have called someone my best friend we have grown apart within a year.
"So in freshman year my best friend was Quest, and when she was so mean to me it scarred me against opening myself up to anyone that deep ever again.
"And then Austin and I became close. And then I called him my best friend. And then I lost him.
"So it literally terrifies me to have you be my best friend. And I don't want to lose you too. And making friends scares me because I know I'm just gonna lose them soon."
I stopped typing because I was crying too hard to see the screen. Somehow I had made it through all of my years of life and never realized this thing about myself before. I am terrified of losing my best friends. Austin was the best friend I have ever had. I am scared that if I draw close to anyone, I will just be opening myself to more pain.
I sat there for who knows long. I finally checked my phone again. Three new messages from Raina.
"Well Lila I can promise you one thing: I'm not going anywhere. I love you girly. And people do come and go out of our lives but the ones who really matter stick around."
"We might not live close to each other or see each other as often as we would like but we will keep in touch."
"I don't want you to ever be scared about losing me. I know the fear of losing people all to well and it's a constant fear I live with. I promised I'd work hard to make sure I never left someone who loved me or needed me."
Something in me melted. A dam that was holding back the emotions in my heart opened, and I started crying again. I sent off three texts of my own.
"I love you."
"I hope so."
"Thank you."