Re: Your Submission
Dear Sir. I have read your submission querie, and would have to sadly reject your project. By 'Sadly' i am being the most ironic that I have ever been. It is not often that i bother to answer quries at all. Most of what i receive is beneith contempt. Other project would get only a copy-pasted formal rejection. But having read your submission and the sample 5 pages which you included, i feel such extreme disgust, and bile towards the entire human race, because it includes you (so i assume, though it is quite possible you are some ooze-sucking radioactive slug, living in a toxic swamp), that i decided that you should get a more personal touch. Again, i can't be sure that 'personal' will be an adaquate description for the recipient of this letter.
Firstly, let us see the submission letter for the collosal failure that it is. You want to entice me to cooparate with you on a professional level, with a hope of some future remunaration from book sales. Normally, it is considered bad form to smear a gelatenous coat on the paper, even if it is meant to preserve the fibers. as you appologized for that, it is clear that you were well aware that snail mail is supposed to be mucus free, and most book agents nowdays prefer them new-fangled 'E-mails' as a faster, cleaner method of correspondance. Beside the residues snd secretions you were so tedious in listing, the form of the letter and the intention are so pathetically written, that i would have to be high on crack to even consider reading past the introduction line. Incidentally, it could be that some are all of your secretions contain a neurotoxin of some sort, as i have read past the intro, and am feeling a headache. Again, not good form or in any way appealing for further correspondance. I would like you to try and think of my job, you selfish, selfish..thing. I am not really interested in literature. That's just the propoganda. Every agent, just wants to make money. A lot of money is better than some, and infinitely better than none. Conversly, we measure how much work WE would have to do, to get your book published and promoted. If it's too much, than we reject. Your choice of a sample, which should be the most exciting, interesting, sexy, dramatic, tragic or funny part of your novel, was a long observation you made about a pebble that had one jagged edge, and about a cap from an old aspirin bottle. Not cherished or metaphorically oriented pieces. If this is your BEST work, than your book is basically a catalogue of objects, the mostvinteresting of which is a slightly jagged pebble and a bottle cap?! Who would need a lengthy 4-page description of a rock?! If you had added some interesting fact, say about geology, then maybe i would be able to pitch it to the ever-widening geology-buff crowd (just so you note, you scum, that no such crowd exist in a serious way, and that the term crowd must be at least 10 people..i mean humans.) All this and plenty more are just the tip of the iceberg, as i see it, of what is wrong with your submission and you as an individual in implication.
Now, i would normally add in a standard rejection, to try your luck somewhere else. This is what i write NORMALLY. Us book agents are extremely competitive and refer the bad, awful writers to our colleagues in hopes that they would get stuck with the mess of workibg with awful, terrible writers. However, there comes a time in every man's life, where he needs to face up to the big picture. Advising you to submit a query with other agents would be an act of unconceinable malice. I would not subject another human being, even a conpetitor to the misery that is dealing with you. I urge you to NOT. I repeat NEVER, attempt to approach another person with the filth that issued forth from your deranged, mucus-manating mind. It would be better for all, if you take one hand, (i assume you have one) and with it , to do us all a favor by blowing your head off. May god have mercy on your wretched, wretched soul!!