re: your job resume
Dear sir or madam,
We have not found your written resume to match the criteria for the job in question.
Regarding the "useful skills" section, we found your answers to be relatively inappropriate. Unfortunately, the company does not consider "farting the alphabet without defecating", "reaching level 265 on candy crush", or "keeping it real" to be useful skills. Furthermore, we do not believe that anything you presented will be a useful tool for your potential job as a phone receptionist.
In the "past experiences" section, you presented a confusing set of answers that again showed us little promise that you are a fit for this job. Your answers, "tightroping the Grand Canyon without tightroping or going to the Grand Canyon", "attempting to ride a unicycle while juggling wet teabags", and "getting rejected from being the triangle player in a garage band" did not show us that you have had any experience in a similar job position, or the right experiences to aid you in learning this one.
In the "relations" section, we feel that you may have misinterpreted what was being asked. This part of the resume aims to assess the applicant's ability to effectively communicate with others in the workplace. Instead, you presented a long and confusing story about how you once fought your mom to save a spider she was going to kill, and instead placed the spider outside. The story ends with your confusion after not receiving a Christmas card, as you wonder if the spider died in the snow you placed it in, or if it is "not part of a religion that celebrated Christmas".
We hope you understand our reasoning, and wish you luck in the future.