I Should Be Doing School Right Now
I should be doing school right now. College is rough and this semester hasn’t been any easier. Dad’s been gone for barely two weeks—two weeks since he passed. Even less time has elapsed since I stood beside his coffin at the church, less time since I sat by it at the cemetery before it was lowered into the ground.
Mentally I need a deep breath. My brain’s been slipping gears for a couple of days, the façade I’ve kept up successfully finally disintegrating. I can’t keep up anymore. I’m exhausted on all fronts, all levels. Sleep doesn’t help, not as though I’m getting much good sleep anyway. Had to take four Benadryl last night just to get any.
School. Right. Anxiety eats at the back of my mind, clawing at rationale’s best efforts to strangle it. I can’t focus on anything right now—surprised even this is making it from brain to keyboard. Best thought flow I’ve had all day. All week, really.
I feel stunned. Can hardly even keep up with conversations between more than two people for any longer than thirty seconds. At least I attended classes today. It’d been an agonizing battle to shove my mind into gear, to trudge from class to class and then to work… I’m eating, but if it weren’t for the hypoglycemia, I wouldn’t be.
School. Needs done.
Yeah, that’s not gonna happen tonight. Probably gonna hate myself in the morning for not working on something. But I cleaned the bathroom—the whole thing—vacuumed all the floors in my room, did laundry, cleaned dishes.
Still feels like I’ve accomplished nothing.
I just want to sit on the beach and stare out over the ocean at the stars. Listen to the waves. Pray. Sanitize my mind. Process a little bit, cram some things back into the neat little boxes they escaped from. Feel the cool sand between my toes, the warm gulf breeze on my face, in my hair.
I need sleep. I need rest. These last few weeks have been…taxing. I’m drained, capacity at three percent. Maybe I need more caffeine, something to kickstart my heart. Hope my family doesn’t get too worried…
I’ll be better in the morning.