Longing With a Hint of Hope
There are many days than few that I long for a conversation with my momma.
I long for a long hug. I long for car rides with her blasting the music up. I long everything about her. Her happiness, her quirky ness, the jokes she would make out of horrible situations.... her laugh, her weird sense of style and the way she just knew what to say and when to say it. Her braveness.
The same kind of longing I have for nature at this moment, or anything to make me feel alive. Feel something. Anything. To be wild. Longing for happiness.
To be able to get out of my comfort zone and explore. My mom was the kind of person who loved to live freely, but her life limited her to be free. The same kind of desire that I have in my bones to just go... maybe it’s because I have the chance to do everything I ever wanted with no limits. No disease has stopped me physically, so why am I letting a small pinch of depression stop me in my shoes... I am way beyond blessed and grateful than I realize.
I want to live freely for myself and my mom who didn’t have the chance. The chance she never had.
There is a quote by Cheryl Strayed that stuck with me.. she is one of many inspirations.
She has tons of quotes about grief, love, to live freely beyond existence. It’s relatable, maybe because her mom died as well and it is so gut wrenchingly true to how I feel everyday, it’s inspiring and most of all it’s true beyond words to even comprehend when you are stuck in life's shitty ways. One of them is ... ““When you recognize that you will thrive not in spite of your losses and sorrows, but because of them, that you would not have chosen the things that happened in your life, but you are grateful for them, that you will hold the empty bowls eternally in your hands, but you also have the capacity to fill them?”
I had to reflect on that one for a second... to think I will be grateful for all of the deaths I have mourned, the heart breaks it took me to lead me here, the loneliness and depression. The thought of wanting to stop my life it self and feeling selfish for it... However, what if I stopped for a second and realize that all of that has shaped me to become the person I am now. The person who could possibly heal and help others on their journey. The lessons I have learned and still learning. The journey I am taking to be the woman my mom once was. to be the person I am for myself. Without breaking to the lowest point possible, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate life for what it is now. It is empty, but you have the capacity to fill the empty to become something outrageously beautiful if you let it.
Another quote hit me... it says
“What if I forgave myself? What if I forgave myself even though I’d done some things I shouldn’t have? What if I was sorry, but if I could go back in time I wouldn’t do anything different from what I’d done? What if yes was the right answer instead of no? What if all those things I shouldn’t have done were what got me here? What if I was never redeemed? What if I already was?”
The things that happened in the past, happened for a reason. I wouldn’t change a single thing. What if all of the things that lead up to what it is now, is actually meant to happen. God works in mysterious ways, in ways we cannot understand. There has to be a method to the madness. If I can’t forgive myself for the past, then how can I possibly move forward..
And lastly, the one quote that gave me hope... that is in her movie called “Wild” is... there is a sunset and a sunrise everyday. You choose to be there when it happens. You can put yourself in the way of beauty”.
Nature. Beauty. Life is truly beautiful once you get out of your mind that is filled with negativity. Choose to be there in the sunsets and sunrises. Put yourself in the way of beauty. The darkness will fade.
You have to live through it, love it, love your journey that you are on, move on from it, and run to the closest thing that truly fulfills your happiness. That is when your healing begins. So partake in that sunrise, feel the warmth.. because in reality, no one can heal your own suffering but yourself. You have to endure it.
Little by little I’m learning that it takes time. I am not close to the hope I write about, but it does give perspective...
“Transformation doesn’t ask that you stop being you. It demands that you find a way back to the authenticity and strength that’s already inside of you. You only have to bloom.” - Cheryl Strayed.