Graduation
It was supposed to be a happy day but...why did it feel so sad? Maybe it’s just me who feels that way. Maybe.
There was a lump in my throat, clogging up every word that I wanted to say so I kept quiet. Not even a croak could escape my lips. Nothing will give my act away. Nothing. At least I hope so. Scenarios oscillated in and out of my mind, each of them making me blink even faster to hold back my watery eyes that threaten to spill.
My yellow gown flew behind me as I walked hurriedly, nodding hello to my fellow classmates and teachers that I’ve spent the year with. Barely. Yellow was such an ugly color. It’s so bright and colorful and so…cheerful. Something that doesn’t fit me at all. Why can’t it be dark blue instead? Or better yet, why not black? A dark color would be nice.
I tried to distract myself with all sorts of thoughts that strayed far away from the topic of graduating and the amount of time I have left before vacation. It was like a ticking time bomb counting down to my final moments with the friends and precious memories that I just recently made.
I clenched my fists in frustration as I hid in a corner of the halls in a school that I don’t even know. Our graduation ceremony was held in another high school, a school that is much bigger than my current one. It was difficult to find a place to host the eight graders' graduation but the adults finally managed to achieve their goal. But all that seemed so long ago. And now it feels as if I’ve been slapped in the face by reality and woke up from my delusions and hopes that the happy days will last forever.
Fate is so evil.
In retrospect, there were a lot of things that I should’ve done but I couldn’t because I was too scared to or just unmotivated at the time. There were many things that I wanted to do, and could’ve done! And if I did manage to accomplish those desires then would it be different now? Would I feel more fulfilled and be able to smile happily like the others who spent the year being themselves instead of hiding away?
Maybe it's just me.
It’s not that I didn’t enjoy everything but more like I regret not doing anything. If only in the beginning of the year I didn’t stay silent and hushed away. If only I interacted with others more instead of being independent and a lone wolf. If only I made friends faster then maybe we would’ve talked a lot more and had more time to hang out. If only I could’ve tossed away my disguise and be able to laugh and cry and joke around like I wanted to. If only…I didn’t feel so alone. So powerless. So stupid. So miserable.
And now look at me - filled with regrets and desires that can’t even come true because the time has already passed.
I wish I had a time machine so I can go back in time and tell them all the things that I wanted to say. To tell them that I was happy, and that I want to be friends. To tell them that being together was fun and that we should do it again. Only if…
“Megumi Aikawa, please step up to the stage.”
I blinked as my name was called and mustered up the remaining confidence that I had left. My battery was almost drained after the whole year of pretending. The sun was bright and beamed down at the crowd that waited expectantly for me to go up those steps and face them. My legs trembled as I walked slowly and gradually increased my pace. It was heavy. I wanted to cry. Behind my shield, my mask, or whatever it is that I keep up in front of others was the me that wanted to bawl and roll around like a child and throw a tantrum and scream about how unfair life was. But I couldn’t do that. The name ‘Megumi’ who is an excellent student that behaves well and has never caused a commotion is what I am. Or atleast the front that I have to use until this ends.
I don’t really remember what they said. There were cheers and applause and then time felt slow. I could feel the heat waves piercing through my skin and my stare boring into the stage floor. The only words that popped into my head - I remember as clear as day - was:
“I don’t like this.”
“Pardon?” Sato-san, the principal, paused his speech.
I broke out of my daze and realized what I just spitted out. “...Sorry! I didn’t mean to - “
“What is it that you don’t like exactly?”
His voice was loud. He was holding the microphone and his every word ringed throughout every speaker in the field. The audience went silent. Every pair of eyes were on me. My eyes flew around frantically and finally met the area where all of my classmates were. Our eyes met and they looked at me and I looked at them. The teachers that were lined up on the stage all had concerned faces.
Of course they would be worried because during the past year that I’ve been with them I was always a quiet student who is intelligent. But never have I ever done something like this before.
“I…I…” My eyes went to my sweaty palms while my chest heaved up and down. Before I knew it a tiny drop fell on my hands. More detached itself from my eyes and it was unstoppable. I was shocked by what was happening. “S-sorry…I…I just l-lost control…I’m fine! R-really!”
Nobody believed my words. It was hard to believe after all. Why would a girl who broke down in public be ‘fine’? If I was them I wouldn’t trust myself either. It was clear that I was anything but ‘fine’.
Sato-san’s strong hands touched my shoulder and the other teachers surrounded me and gave me pats on the back. That caused a commotion, a spectacle. Who would ever think that the great ‘Megumi’ would break down and shed tears? I’m sure that everyone must be confused by now.
“Are you alright now?” Another teacher asked me, handing me a napkin.
I took it and nodded my thanks but my shoulders wouldn’t stop shaking.
‘Ah…I really hate this.’