stuck in every stage of grief but the last.

just some thoughts i had after losing a friend.

how did the same person who saved my life be the one to make me want to end it all?

you said you loved me. you said you would never hurt me. you lied to me.

i loved you. i loved you so much. i loved you too much.

i can’t tell if i miss you or the idea of you. all i know is that you’re not in my life anymore, and it hurts.

i know that this was for the best. i know that keeping you in my life wasn’t good for me. i know that i’ll be better off without you. i know all of those things. but i can’t help but wish that you were still here.

i don’t think you realize how much you’ve hurt me, and i don’t think you ever will, and that’s what hurts the most.

sometimes i wonder if you ever think about me. do you miss how we were? do you regret everything that you did? do you wish i was still in your life? do you even remember that i exist? no, no you don’t.

i hate how i let you control my life. i hate how i can’t talk to certain people because i know you’re friends with them. i hate how i’m scared to meet new people because i’m scared that they’ll treat me the way you treated me. i hate how i can’t go a single day without thinking about you. i hate how i’m the one who’s hurting because of shit that you did.

i love you and every version of you.

i wanted to die before you so that i would never have to live a second of my life without you. but now you’re no longer in my life, so do i still want to die before you, even though i’ve lived months of my life without you?

you always wanted the best for me, and i always believed that you were the best for me. now you want nothing to do with me. is it because you believed that you weren’t the best for me, or is it because you never really meant it when you said you wanted the best for me?

i’ve always wondered what it was like to be loved by you. then you loved me. but if it was love, why did it hurt so much?

i never thought there would be a time where you weren’t by my side. but i guess you got tired of being in the same spot for so long.

i hate you. i hate you so much. i never would’ve done the things you did to me. i never would’ve stopped caring about you. i never would’ve let you feel insignificant for even a second. i hate you. i hate you so much. i hate this. i hate that i don’t hate you at all.

i don’t know if i should let myself be hurt over you any longer or if i should finally move on. i don’t know if it will ever stop hurting, and i don’t know if i will ever fully move on.

i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go. but i know that if i hadn’t let you go, i would have still believed that your love for me was pure and true. in the future, i hope i will have forgiven myself for all the pain i made myself endure for someone who never truly loved me. but for now, in this moment, i wish i could forgive myself for letting you go.

i wanted to live for you. i loved you so much that i wanted to live for you. maybe that was my problem. i never truly lived for myself. now i don’t have you to live for anymore, and i don’t know how to live for myself.