That punch in the gut feeling that knocks all the air from your lungs and produces the sensation of a rib pirecing both a lung and your heart because you can't breathe and your heart may explode and you may even cry blood because you find out the person you love most in the world, who has always loved life to the fullest, who, well into adulthood, had a child-like view of death as something far off and nebulous, that this happy, joy-filled being suffers so silently you never knew until filling out a doctor's form that he longs to die.