“in everything, there is a share of everything.”
i looked out the window on a train and i could've swore i saw you, but it was just a small bird dancing near the tracks.
i was thinking about you after that and the thought shot joy through me like heroine. i started crying. if you had have been there i might've hit you. maybe i would've hugged you. i definitely would've wanted to kiss you. the thought turned into a daydream and you were sitting comfortably in my mind.
i punched you in the nose. your lip split and there was blood all over your face. dripping down your chin in a way that proved how much i love you and how painful that is.
my legs were kicking and my arms were flailing and when i stopped, you were on your knees in front of me. we were verging on religious. you were so silently devoted to me in that moment. i could've punched you again and again and thrown you against the window and kicked your teeth in and you would've thought 'how merciful a god to keep me alive'.
i found myself kneeling in front of you with angry tears in my eyes, gripping your wrists. i thought about breaking them. trying to snap them single handedly. i pulled them to my chest and kissed the blood from your lips. i wiped it off your chin and your neck and i cradled your head, savouring the taste of your blood in a malicious, perverted sort of way. and loving you in a way so tender and pure jesus would have been put to shame.
the bird flew away and the train started moving again.