State I’m In
I have been gone for a long time. Part of me is sorry for not updating anyone on anything; part of me understands that I have been quite busy lately and have not really had time; part of me knows that part of the reason for that is the fact that I have wasted too much time. But this is not an apology, though I am sorry. Writing is a passion of mine that I have missed greatly. In fact, as of late, my fingers have been itching to brush across my keyboard and actually type out something other than Pen to the Paper---not to say that I dislike it, it's just not the same as sitting down and writing a story, a mind-wandering, an essay, a song, et cetera.
This, however, is not the purpose of this post.
I have been looking into colleges lately. After graduating this year in Pensacola and taking a walk around the PCC campus, I felt a calling to go to school. Pursue a higher education while trying to obtain my pilot's license. The call was strong. A riptide pulling me out to sea. So, I have been searching. Thinking about the minors I will be taking, trying to figure out how in the world one studies for an SAT, and all of that fun stuff associated with trying to head off to college. I have a year, so though I don't worry too much about getting things done, affording college and flight training on top of it is a major concern of mine.
I feel like, lately, I have just been wasting too much time. I have once again been sucked into the endless pit of micro-satisfaction that YouTube provides. I have always struggled with it, but, lately, it has increased once again. Something is looming behind it all, but I did not realize that until this week.
I have once again been avoiding responsibility. My self-esteem and confidence, though far higher than they have been in years, are dropping again. I find myself struggling in social situations once more. Hiding. Keeping to myself. Oft, I stare off into space, at first in a pensive mood, then going blank and focusing on this feeling in my gut that won't waver.
The feeling of emptiness.
I don't know what the cause is, but here I am, trapped in this void. I think that I am subconsciously searching for something to fill that void. I think that's why I have been having such a hard time escaping the YouTube trap lately. I think that that is the reason temptation, after being clean for almost five months, has been knocking on my door again. Every coping mechanism I have had is throwing itself at me in desperation, but nothing is working. I mean, I just fricken ate ice cream, then sneaked the last piece of cake my grandmother bought from the store yesterday.
I can't shake the feeling. I feel fake again. Telling people that I have been doing well. Bringing it up to my parents, whom I love and trust immensely, is just something that I can't fathom. I think about it and freeze. I could write them a letter, but I feel like I have given them two too many letters to even try that.
I can't open up to people. And yet, opening up is what I know I need to do.
I need a shoulder to lean on. A friend who knows that I'm going through something, but instead of pushing lets me put my head on his/her shoulder and just stay like that for a while. I need a hug, but I don't want to ask. My best friend lives a seventeen hour drive away, and the closest friend I have here has been AWOL lately, so I haven't been able to talk to him.
I then remind myself that, "Hey, Caleb, you're super religious, aren't you? Isn't that what God is for?" Wasteland by NEEDTOBREATHE then floats through my head:
"Oh if God is on my side
Then who can be against me
Yeah in this wasteland where I'm livin'
There is a crack in the door filled with light
And it's all that I need to get by"
I try singing these words with conviction: like I mean them. I pray and ask for help. I ask God to tell me what's wrong. To be my shoulder to lean on. But I leave feeling the same.
Yesterday, my parents took me and my little sisters to the lake nearest to us. We swam in it for a while and had a blast! But as soon as the festivities were over, if I stopped for just a second to think or stand still, if I stepped out of the lake for a moment, I felt it. That feeling of emptiness. My entire ride home, I spent in silence, staring out of my window blankly, reminding myself of Wasteland and praying to the Lord for help. At home, I walked into the house numb and expressionless, hoping that someone would notice and say something, but also wanting to hide away in my room.
I feel stupid admitting to it, though. My life isn't hard, I don't have it bad. My parents love me, I have a scholarship for the first step towards my dream career, I am one of the lucky few whose best friend has been his best friend since he was literally a newborn... and yet I feel empty and alone.
I feel immature admitting it, but sometimes I wonder if it stems from not finding someone to love. I want to have someone to love deeper than just as a friend. Looking around at the kids my age and younger who are dating doesn't help. I have never had that. But I don't think it's my time yet, and there is only one girl in my life I would ever consider dating, and I would never ask her out for fear of losing a nearly nineteen-year long friendship. I also must remember that I have a lot of maturing to do yet, and starting a relationship when I'm older and more mature is more likely to last. Along with that, as a Christian, I believe that finding someone is a gift from God, not something I accidentally stumble upon one day and then work to keep. Though that last part is definitely still true.
But I know that that isn't the case. Sure, I feel lonely every now and then, but I am ready and willing to wait as long as I need to find the right person. We get so eager and rush into relationship after relationship... I don't need to be that way.
I miss my cat immensely. Not a day goes by that I don't think about Bear.
I am struggling. And I am empty. And I don't know what to do. I mean no disrespect to God. It's only human to have a hard time seeing His hand in these low moments.
This low, however, has lasted a long time. I just want to escape. The crack in the door filled with light seems to be closing. I'm losing hope, but trying to keep my chin up. The water is rising above my head, and I am growing tired.
Privileged. I may not be rich, but I feel privileged because of the love and support around me, and therefore guilty about the emptiness within me.
But I wait. I wait for God to heal me miraculously. I wait for someone to say something. I wait for that hug and that shoulder to lean on.