night terrors (TW: violence)

well fuck

there's that feeling again

would i be more alive if i was bleeding?

listen, i know

'feelings are fleeting'

and 'my heart is misleading'

and 'i need to watch what i'm eating'

but are you really even

s e e i n g

me?

i see me

when i close my eyes at night

i see me

in the bathroom mirror, tying my necktie

i see me

tugging, tightening until my eyes go violet

i see me

gasping until my flesh gives

to the polyester

and

i see my head

and then i see my body

and i see

the horrible mess i've made

on my mother's pale blue walls

and i wish

a wish bleeding desperation

that i could unsee me

but i can't

i have become too familiar

with the colours of violence,

with the metallic flavour of blood

on my half-sleeping tongue

all i ask,

is that you hold my hand

while i dream about death

and perhaps you will never see me

like i see me

but having you with me

might be enough