The New 10 Commandments for the Modern Age
And the Lord saw him as righteous and summoned him and his Bic. And the ink was blue, and the Lord was pleased. And the Lord said unto him, "Take a memo." And he obeyed. "Or ten."
1. Thou shalt not spend the night in a haunted inflatable woman factory.
2. Thou shalt not have an "incident" with an elephant.
3. Thou shalt not slap Mike Tyson in his fat, fleshy head.
4. Thou shalt not turn left on Tulane Avenue.
5. Thou shalt not walk into an ethnically homogenous, densely populated neighborhood shouting ethnic slurs and intolerant invectives that reference those same homogeneously ethnic individuals.
6. Thou shalt not tell a policeman, "That didn't hurt."
7. Thou shalt never utter, "What could go wrong?"
8. Thou shalt not slide, naked, down a razor blade into a pool of rubbing alcohol.
9. Thou shalt never think you look good in a Scion automobile, unless you've been drinking heavily.
10. Unreasonable people shalt not have reason to people unreasonable worlds.
And the tablets were made of sand. And they were thrown onto the beach, where they stand as the new human mandate.
Until next tide.