chapter 6- “are you sure? ”

I was frozen in place when Gavin said that. "Why do you wanna bring that up? " I couldn't face him when I felt my eyes drop and look dead inside, my face sweating. I felt Gavin look at me and not turn away the whole time, that's when the memories flooded back.

Gavin was my closest friend of 7 years we cared so much for each other to the point no person or teacher could separate us. Most people would be really annoying saying things such as "Are you two dating? " or "stop flirting with each other! " when we really were not. At some point, we decided to start dating on the exact anniversary of our being friends. August 1, 2013, is when we started and here we were on August 1, 2021.

His words were so smooth when he spoke them, "Bug I want to go out with you. I want us to be together. " the words at the time sounded so sweet.

Soon things changed. It started so great and exciting that we would have such fuzzy moments where he held me the same way he held me the night before. Then there were our late nights where we touched each other, unlike anything either of us had felt. It was magical. But something changed Gavin became distant and we argued on about everything, even the little things.

"Bug? I know you don't want to hear anything about what happened. " Gavin speaking snapped me back to reality where I and him sat on a blue couch where we sat was closer than the situation wanted.

'Bug. I'm sorry."

"What? Your sorry?"

"Yes," his voice is as smooth as the day he asked me out. "The things I said were horrible to you, I said them with the pure intention of hurting you. " Gavin's eyes only teared up, I knew what I did wrong as well and I wouldn't let that go unknown. "I'm sorry too" I apologized as my eyes teared up as well "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you or all the times I was mean to you. I should have never said the things I said. " as we talked both of us were sobbing as the space that was in between us closed into a warm embrace. I dried my tears and was finally able to speak, "Look I can tell you're sorry.. " my voice was shaking "but I need you to prove to me that you're sorry. " Gavin looked at me differently a look I can't describe perfectly but it was a mix of something so puzzled yet so understanding. A moment of silence was cut short when he pulled me into another embrace and whispered "I'll do anything I can to prove to you just how sorry I am. "

I only cried harder squeezing Gavin and pulling him closer.

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After a tender moment with Gavin, I packed my things and said goodbye but everything felt so awkward the whole time I grabbed my things and left.

I wanted to hug him goodbye but it just didn't feel like the moment to do so. I started to walk home hoping my parents weren't home, I passed the broken sidewalk and tree which made it known I was almost there.

I unlocked the door and checked the driveway only to see no one was there, I thought to myself "perfect. Some time to think." I entered the house and made my way to the fridge. Opening it to reveal a six-pack of some beer I bought not too long ago, I gripped one and got to drinking. Hours passed even if those hours felt like nothing and the once full six-pack was gone and my body was shaking. I stumbled to my bed trying to be careful not to fall down the stairs and opened the door so fast it hit the wall, I fumbled over the covers trying to get under. I was finally able to get under and I checked my phone, the battery was incredibly low but it was enough time to see there were no notifications. Again. I was thinking about all the things Gavin said but something simply didn't feel right what if he didn't mean what he said so sweetly to me, twice even?

"I need more beer."

I scavenged the house for more only to find a half drank six-pack, so I drank the last few at that point I was way out of it and it was night once again. Time seemed to be passing too fast lately but I suppose it was because of my habits, it didn't matter though because Gavin appeared to be the only thing on my mind "Fuck fuck fuck fuck." I couldn't think of anything else.

I was so unsure of what to do, the conversation had gone so horribly. At least to me, it did.

Am I sure I want to do this?