Even though I just did
I don’t know how to tell you that I don’t care about dying even though I know I do. Well I don’t. I can’t. I even want to do it. Sometimes. More often lately. How can I not? This life is a trap. Or just mine. I see so many people free in this life. No trap. No cage. No locks. No keys. No need. Just love and want and happy and real.
There’s too much to live for that I don’t have. There’s too much happiness I cannot experience. Will not. Cannot. There’s too much of me in my life making it impossible to be that freedom I see in all the others.
Heaven is tired of looking at me whine. Hell doesn’t care. Even purgatory is in no rush to push me around.
Perhaps that is the saddest part: the indifference. I look at the world with love and not one set of eyes even notices I’m there. Not one hand reaches out. Not one mouth says stay.
I don’t know how to tell you even though I just did.