Be Careful What you Wish for
I am the place of your creation, and the coffin in which you rest until you are wrung from my body in a mass of blood, pain, and ended possibilities. You represent both my favourite ‘what ifs’ and the end to my innocence. You have forever placed your mark in my heart and on my body. You have brought me the greatest joy, and the greatest pain. A study in contradictions. For I am part of no world. I am alone in a sea of others who belong. I am not a mum of living children, but of angels.
There is a reason you did not live, and I ignored this to my detriment. In my anguish, I beseeched any higher power to allow me to bare children. It was such a small thing, women did it all the time. Announced their pregnancy and magically gave birth nine months later to a live baby. Why could this power not grant me this gift?
The problem with wishing is that when something is given, something must be taken away.
My very DNA was altered, my womb repaired, my embryo implanted. I was ecstatic, elated, in love. The future was happening. I gave birth to a baby girl. She was perfect and chubby, with eyes of midnight stars. She stared flatly at me, and I saw my reflection in her eyes. I could gaze at her forever. Every movement of her tiny fists enraptured me. My pride, my accomplishment, my key to belonging was here. Something I would die for.
That night, the powers that be took my mother. A life for a life, there must be balance. I realized then that while I had gained a daughter, I had lost a mother. I was no longer a daughter.
My daughter grew up, without the love of her grandmother. She was somehow different than others. Prone to fits of rage and cruelty. The night she killed my dog I again beseeched the powers that be- why have they cursed me with this child?
I swear I heard a laugh on the wind- be careful what you wish for. Perhaps we should find joy in the things we already have, rather than longing for those that we do not. Always chasing happiness when we could be content with what we were given. In life, we have to learn to accept injustice.