two switches
it's easiest to think of them as
light switches.
then all i have to do is
flip them
with a finger.
i've only just started flipping them,
only just begun
to alter
the fabric of my mind.
but i've made progress.
god, that word
scares me.
it's a symbol of
the unknown.
i still haven't flipped that switch yet,
the switch that equates progress with
happiness.
i still cannot comprehend
what it means to
get better
and it terrifies me
to know that one day
it could happen to me
and i won't
be ready for it.
it's easier to dwell here
in my suicidal thoughts,
because i don't know who i am
without them.
there's the other switch.
the part of me that tethers
suicide to strength
and life
to weakness.
every day i survive
should be a victory
but i only see it
as a loss.
and it's just these two little switches
that linger in my mind
hovering at the forefront
of my subconscious.
it should be easy to flip them,
like turning the lights on
in my room
to keep the monsters out.
but my fingers are numb
and i can no longer coax movement
from my fingertips.
or maybe the light switch
is broken,
maybe some sadistic "friend"
took a hammer
to the wiring
and now the switch
no longer turns on
at all.
whatever the case,
the switches stay flipped
to off,
the irrationality stays fixed
in my brain
it's the obstruction
that i can't bring myself
to let go of,
because without my broken switches,
would i even be me at all?
or would i just be
another blur
in an indifferent universe?