Kevin’s Guide to Overcoming Your Fears
Tip Number 1: Avoidance
You will receive many complaints from family and friends begging you to Just Do It! Just face your fears! It's so easy! You'll see! There's nothing at all to worry about.
This is wrong. The best way to overcome your fear is by avoiding it obsessively. Afraid of water? Great. Avoid it. But you need it to survive— I don't care. Avoid it. No matter what. They are wrong. Water has killed billions of people over the span of human existence. Maybe in death you will find solace from the panic that haunts your every waking moment. Also, soda is a perfectly acceptable alternative (until you realize that they use water to make it... maybe you should just pick a new thing to be afraid of.) You, after all, are 70% water. Everyone is 70% water. Does this mean that everyone is 70% scary? Yes. Most definitely. See also: Tip Number 2.
Oh, you are afraid of bodies of water. That's easy. Just don't go swimming. (Although humans have bodies too... do we count as bodies of water? Asking for a friend)
Tip Number 2: Isolation
Now that we have number one down, the trick is to find out who around you isn't afraid. Back to water. Whether humans are bodies of water or not, there are some very strange people who just don't see the danger of water. Do you have friends who like water? Gone. Do you have a family member with a swimming pool? Poof. Do you, for some inexplicable reason, have a swimming pool in the backyard of your house because your wife told you it would be good for the kids? Guess you're homeless now, buddy, because that's definitely gotta go. A daughter who likes to swim? Better get ready to pay child support, because she's your wife's problem now. All of these friends and family members are actually dragging you down. Think of all the times where someone has invited you swimming and you can't go. Think of all the awkward conversations you can avoid simply by cutting off everyone around you! No more obligations, no more awkwardness, no more embarrassment, no more wasted time spent talking on the phone trying to explain to your crazy ex-wife why you will not be taking your daughter to a pool party despite the fact that you have custody that week...
Crazy that no one has thought of this before... I must be a genius.
Tip Number 3: Alienation
Remember, the most important thing of all: there is nothing to be afraid of. It is all in your head. You are completely irrational and crazy and no one will ever take you seriously. You are the only one in the world who feels this way and you are wrong. I mean, seriously, you think that normal people are afraid of water? That's just weird. Now that you are avoiding your fear and other people, just remember that you are different from everyone else and will never fit in no matter how hard you try. Your ex-wife is probably right when she says, you're so crazy Kevin I can't believe I married you and you really need to get some help. But never, under any circumstances, should you ask for help. That is a big no-no. Medical professionals will give you all the wrong advice, and you should definitely listen to my blog post that I wrote at midnight last night instead, because I am very good at handling my fear. Plus, medical professionals might do something weird like ask you about your childhood (The horror! The indignity!), and that'll bring up some nasty memories about living through Hurricane Katrina that you definitely will not want to remember.
People might tell you that you're suffering from some kind of anxiety disorder, you have aquaphobia, or thalassophobia, or maybe you're just plain crazy. But they are, of course, wrong. Because if you just remember the three tips I've given you, you will never be afraid again!
Trust me. It works like a charm.
See you lovely readers next time when I finally finish my blog post about overcoming depression! I just have to work up the motivation to get out of bed first... I've been so drained since my wife left me, but of course that is not at all due to my crumbling mental state. I probably have the flu or something. Which reminds me, I still have that one post to write about hypochondria...