I don’t know what this could turn into…

My fingers hover over the keyboard

I don’t know what to type

I’m afraid of what should come

If I really lose myself in the writing

Sometimes when I zone out

I look back at what my fingers do

And am astonished

I had no idea that was even in my mind

It scares me

I don’t want to be an open book

Especially for strangers online

My mom did that

It was really bad

She wasn’t even trying poor thing

But I won’t think about it

I refuse to think about it

And I will not let any such thing happen to me

Not me

So this I am afraid to lose myself in writing

Funny because when I feel stressed

Or scared

I choose to plunge into the keyboard

And lose myself in writing

But not this time

This time I hold myself back

Reserved

Out of fear

Fear

Fear

Fear is an interesting word

It can mean both good and bad

“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”

But fear of people is sinful

Fear of yourself is real

I am afraid of myself

Those pieces I have stored so carefully

In the deep recesses of my mind

I am afraid they will resurface

If I lose myself

I don’t want that

I close my eyes and hide away

From the fact I know myself

To be a horrendous hideous monstrous creature

Deserving of nothing

Yet I can’t let it show

When some of those pieces come to light

The people stare

They walk away

Leaving me more alone than over

And they think that’s the worst of it

They have no idea

Tip of the iceberg

The iceberg that will sink the Titanic

The Titanic me

Seeming beautiful

But deeply flawed

Doomed to sink

Down

Down

Down

Until all the good in me dies

And my life is a wreck

At the bottom of the ocean

People don’t talk about when the Titanic sailed beautiful

They talk about when it sank

How it never resurfaced

How nearly everything on it died