Chapter 1

Eirin

The lights burned my skin. Waking up daily in a dark room never gets better. A man stormed into the room and pulled me to my feet by my hair. If I even slightly struggled, he would tug harder. Today, I will have my very first therapy session in a year. C.A.R.M.A. thought that it would be best if they tried their best to get my mental health to be less of a concern than what it is. They will just go back to slowly killing me, so what’s the point of bringing me to a therapist? The man then pushed me into the gray army truck I am used to, between two heavily armed soldiers. That day, they dressed me in black joggers and a black T-shirt that itched my skin. Before I knew it, we had arrived at a tall brick building. I figured I would be behind glass again. I was right.

My eyes peered back into mine when I looked at the reflective glass in front of me. Two people were standing there. They would lie and say that they were an organization that specializes in the regrowth of mental stability. C.A.R.M.A. stood for Chains After the Rooms in Minds. Apart from what they call themselves. Everyone thinks it means that they treat people the way they should after traumatic events. No. They take those who are dangerous and break them down, to fall into their trap. They’ll control you. I should know, they’ve done it to me daily. But this might help me think of a way to escape. Two men walked through the door with guns. Even though I stood, they pushed me around. I felt stressed the second a man came into my view. His freshly cut hair made me grin internally. Just from a glance, I could tell he hated it, they passed me onto him, and a woman smiled at me, holding out her hand. She quickly pulled it back, turning to the lightly stubbled man.

“This is James Barnes. He’ll be taking care of you for a while. Is that okay?” Her short blond bob bothered me. I nodded. She smiled, clasped her hands together, and spun around to James.

“I’ll leave you two then! Have fun! Your therapy check-ins are every two weeks. However, you’ll have to bring her today, just for them to meet for the first time.” The woman nodded and strutted out. ‘Fake bitch,’ he mumbled. I crossed my arms and waited. Within seconds, I felt like crying. Why someone I don’t know? And someone who scares me?

We sat in his black pickup truck, silent. The roads were busy, so we hit traffic every five seconds. He had a leather glove over his left hand. Why? He didn’t look like he had not smiled in a long time or at all. His eyes were narrow when the truck stopped again. My right hand messed with the loose string on my pants. The tight sneakers bothered me. My feet hurt so bad. C.A.R.M.A. didn’t care if I was happy or not, they like seeing me suffer. The green blinker turned on, making an annoying clicking sound. We pulled into a strange plaza. Cars and people roamed, making loud sounds.

James stopped the truck and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. I Slowly looked at him, scared.

“Those shoes don’t fit you, you hate those clothes, and you’re going to need more clothes anyway, so. . .Here we are.” His door opened, and he hopped out. Getting the hint, I opened the door and followed him. James was a lot taller than me and scarier, too. Seeing some girls walk by, I realized I was smaller than them. My legs, arms, stomach, everything was small on my body. After walking around for a bit, a girl in a red shirt walked up to us smiling.

“Do you need any help today?” she asked, holding a walkie-talking in her hand. James looked flustered and cleared his throat.

“Clothes for her?” His cheeks just barely turned a light pink. Maggie, like her name tag said, giggled and directed us to the woman’s section. She then realized that maybe I wouldn’t fit in women's clothing, so she took us to the teens section. I felt a sweater with stripes. Maggie walked over to me and held a box of bras and underwear. She put them in a plastic bag, winking. Maggie paid for them. How can people be that nice?

After trying on pairs of shorts and shirts, I was okay. Finally, we were heading to the front. Without warning, James whipped around and pulled my arm. Shoes, right? He let go and told me to sit. The very uncomfortable stool made me feel taller, but not very much. James came back with 3 boxes and sat on a small box with wheels, rolling himself over. He opened them, one-by-one. The second I pulled the tight gray sneakers off, a drop of blood fell to the floor.

“I knew they were too tight.” He groaned and walked away. When he came back, he had a red box in hand. The tan medical tape wrapped around my ankle gently.

“Better?” James asked, I nodded and tried on the pair of shoes in the last box in line. He rolled his eyes at me, not starting at the beginning. They were black with stars on the side. I nodded, putting my old shoes in the box and standing. Once we paid for everything, we were out of there again. This time, he spoke. He rambled about how his house isn’t that big and that it’s messy. I cared little, to be honest.

Even without him asking, I grabbed all the bags and walked to the door. He made his way over and unlocked the door. When he walked inside, I followed. I glided into every room and was excited. James found me in an empty room and nodded. Minutes later, he pushed a mattress while he pointed to the closet.

“Clothes go in there, obviously. You can stay with her. You never have to leave if you don’t want to. The only thing that I ask is that you don’t make any messes. Also, if you want someone to eat just ask me.” He nodded, then walked out, closing the door behind him. I changed into a baggy shirt and pajama shorts. Then, just like that, I was crying on the bed that I’d pushed to the corner of the dark room.

I hate the nighttime. Mainly because it gets dark, but also because people fall asleep, and no one is awake to know that you’re hurting. A few cars pass by now and then but that’s all I hear, nothing more. James hadn’t made a single sound since he left me alone. My legs carried me out of the room and through the cold house. It was small, perfect for someone who lives alone. That’s what got me thinking; Why does he live alone? Most people live with other people, right? That’s what I think at least. James looked like the person to have kids and a wife and be happy but he’s sad looking. He looks like he hasn’t smiled in years, not like I could say anything. I can’t think about him without thinking of a sad puppy on the side of a street, begging for food.

I heard his snoring from the kitchen, but it was soft and not very. . .Heavy? The only snoring I’ve heard is from the last hospital they sent me to, and my doctor fell asleep in the room. My feet gently patterned against the floor, making my way to his door. I’ve always wanted to normally, but I can’t if I don’t know how to. A bright light peeked through the window, forcing me to look away. I unlocked the door and walked outside, going down the sidewalk. The ground was cold, but I still sat down, looking up at the moon and stairs. I don’t even care if he’s mad at me for walking out of the house, but the light is so bright. In the room they kept me in, there weren’t any windows because they didn’t want us to get distracted. How are we supposed to get distracted when we know that pain is still coming our way? The socks itched my calves, but I didn’t fix them. James lives in a quiet place, mostly. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. It’s quiet that someone can be okay with without being scared. The door opened behind me, making me jump. He stood there in sweatpants and a T-shirt. Looking at me with a scared expression. I pointed my head forward and looked back at the sky. James sat down beside me and looked up, too.

“I’ve never actually looked at the stars before.” I mumbled, fumbling with my fingers. Dr. Raynor told him I don’t talk the day before, and yet here I am. It scared me too. A shiver went up my spine the second he chuckled. My head shot in his direction. James laughed again and stretched his legs out.

“And so, she speaks.” He sighed while he stood, holding out his hand. My hand looked small when I took it. He pulled me to my feet, and we walked back inside. We sat on the couch together, the TV flashing its colors at us. James snored again, making me smile. He falls asleep somewhat easily. I looked closer at him and noticed how calm he was. I hugged my knees, facing him. Maybe it was the sound of his breathing, or knowing that I was safe with him, but I fell asleep.

A sound startled me, nearly making me jump to my feet. Scraping metal and clanging glass made my ears ring. I looked around, seeing James putting plates into the cupboard. He didn’t realize I had woken up. I walked down the hallway and into the room I called my own. The pair of black yoga pants I pulled over my hips made me look like I had curves. New. Quickly after I pulled on a hoodie, I walked back down the hallway and spun around. James looked me up and down.

“You know, I have places to go today,” He pulled a box off the top of the fridge. I nodded and walked to the couch. “And you have to come with me, per Dr. Asshats rules.” He poured the contents of the box into a bowl. My hand shook, seeing a hat that had a star on it while it sat on a nail that was stabbed into the wall. We got into the truck and sped off again. We seem to always speed quickly at first when he starts the truck. I think maybe it’s because he likes the feeling of being able to just glide. The radio played softly while he tightened his grip on the steering wheel, the leather squeaking. After a couple hours, we pulled into a very long driveway. A large building spread across a grassy field. The truck came to a quick stop, yanking me forward. James breathed out and took the key out of the ignition. The windows reflected the sun, blinding me. We both climbed out of the truck and made our way into the scary building. I stayed behind him, watching his shoulders as he walked. Voices grew louder and louder the farther we went. James stopped and told me to stay calm. Just barely nodding, we walked forward.

Two men stood there with their arms crossed. Then a woman walked into the room, noticed us and walked over. I walked closer to James, nearly grabbing his arm. Her fiery red hair made her look like a god. Her eyes pierced mine, but she didn’t look scared. One man made his way over to me and smacked my shoulder, gently.

“So, he got himself a little girlfriend?” He said as his metal armor made mechanical sounds. James scoffed at him, moving in front of me.

“No. My therapist thought that bringing someone else into my life would make everything so much better and so, here we are. I must feed and house a person who I don’t know.” His words hurt me. I thought he liked me. Like, Maybe I was wrong and maybe he was just putting on that fake face for the moment. I know he just wants me gone and doesn’t really care about me. But, when he took my hand, I felt that one butterfly left in my stomach saying ‘He’s sweet! You can trust him!’. Can I though? I tried my best to not show the hurt on my face. The man backed up, holding his hands up as a reaction. This was James Rhodes. A military man that was close to Tony Stark, a billionaire from a young age and brought tech to the world. The other man presented himself as Falcon, then crossed his arms, adding his name was Sam Wilson. Wanda Maximoff’s eyes still made me think she was a demon who was searching for her next meal, only she wasn’t ready to carry out the killing.

“She’s weak.” Her Sokovian accent was strong and hit me harder than I thought it would. James looked at her and just continued, not denying the fact that she just called me weak. Wanda then walked over to me and rested a hand on my shoulder. “You’ll grow stronger, they always do when they have to deal with people like us.” She kindly grinned, then disappeared. Two James’? This is going to be harder than I thought.

“I’m sure Bucky has told you how stupid I am.” Sam chuckled. Bucky? I looked swiftly at James, who nodded, proudly. I guess he had when he went on the rant about how disgusting his house is, when it really isn’t. Should I address him as Bucky? How am I supposed to ask him when there are so many people around? I’m not very good at talking to one person but add a few more and it’s damn near impossible to get me to mutter a single syllable. I was comfortable talking to James, or Bucky. But then James Rhodes and Sam Wilson being there completely ruined the mood. I will have to ask him later, then. We made our way through the compound, the men chatting while my eyes peered around through windows full of people working with mechanical items. Bucky turned to me and smiled gently, trying to make me feel comfortable. He didn’t even smile fully. Just a paltry attempt. What are we doing here? Are You all going to kill me? Can you save me? I have so many questions but not enough words to ask them.

I blinked, and they were gone. Sam, James, and Bucky. Gone. The walls felt like they were closing in on me, giving me the feeling of suffocation. My lungs were being squeezed by the devil himself. Falling to the floor, my hands wrapped around my throat, gasping for air. Tears poured like waterfalls draining into a trench. The cold floor reminded me of too much. I saw that star book again. The one he used to turn me into the monster I had become. In less than a week, he forced me to kill 500 people. In a month, over one thousand. I could hear those words again. Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Daybreak. Furnace. Nine. Benign. Homecoming. One. Freight car. The man spoke to me like I could trust him. Of course, this is when I could actually understand Russian. I’m too scared to listen to it long enough. My eyes peered to my hands, causing me to freeze in horror. Blood stained skin stuck to me. A pile of bodies lie ahead of me.

“Long. . .ing. Rus. . .ted. Seven. . .teen.” I mumbled. The world became a dark cave, echoing my words. Fireworks set off on my eyelids. My mouth, sealed tight, wouldn’t let me scream for help. I want help. I need help. But I can't even call for it. Sirens rang in my ears, making me squeeze my eyes shut tight. A voice spun around and around me, saying something soft that I couldn’t make out. Just like that, I blacked out.