Trigger Warning* of sexual violence* The Aftermath

I think I have grown until I am confronted in all the ways my rapist has created a stagnant 16 year old in me. A woman too scared to say anything that would bring disapproval to their eyes. I think I can have a fling until I am again confronted with all the ways I am not equipped for the aftermath. Myself. I wanted it until at moments I didn’t. I didn’t like that he choked me -at certain points it was too hard. Why didn’t I say anything? Because inwardly I was freaking out. Sometimes he went too hard. He didn’t try to build it up, he just tried to create it in a day.

I think I am better at navigating relationships but the passionate woman in me and the survivor are at odds it seems. Both should have a voice, but I do not know how to let them share the stage.

I wish I had said, “Don’t do that. Too hard, please be more gentle.” Instead I stayed silent.

And the gears start to click and grind and the old warped/ thinking begins to enter into my mind once again.

"Maybe this is all you deserve..."

And I go to sleep thinking of all the ways I have failed only to wake up and remember that the nightmare was real and the only monster in my mind is... me.