I had a plan

It’s 2314, I’m exhausted. My ears filled with NF’s album; the search.

”next time this happens”

I cursed out a friend Sunday, he didn’t deserve it. I get super hostile once a month. He didn’t make a comment that warranted that reaction.

”maybe we got to comfortable”.

I burned a rope on our friendship bridge. I didn’t mean too. I’m going to lose a friendship, I can see it coming. I tried to let him know he didn’t do anything, it was all me. I promised it wouldn’t happen again.

i made a plan though. I sat there trying hard not to cry while my depression kicked into overdrive. I was ready. I could take a knife from my car, my tattoos could cover the marks.

i had a plan. Why? Because I’m not worth it. What if I do it again? I’d lose whatever I had left. Guys, I had a plan! I self destructed a friendship. Why am I so fracked up! I want to scream. I hate myself. AND HE FORGAVE ME! I don’t deserve it!

so I walked away, turned away from the friends. Put on my headphones and walked it out. I wanted to leave, I wanted to go right then, I’m not worth it.

but God said different…..

its 2323 and I’m listening to NF; Hope. After 11 years a woman I haven’t seen called me out on the street. I took care of her daughter during a terrible divorce. I still had a plan until she told me I was the Angel in her life. I showed the kid life can be okay and I gave them laughter. Mom asks how I’m doing, why say the truth, she is going to die from cancer in 8 month. I don’t have the right to say I feel like i am a rabid dog that needs to be put down.

Its 2330, I got to sleep. I have kids depending on me tomorrow. I don’t have a plan, but I feel i Should.