Chumchum Charcoal

I think the craziest part of all this shit is that I don't regret it.

Sure, it seemed insane at first. Taking a loan of that size when I knew I had nothing to give back. I think they knew when they saw me, actually. I had a feeling they were sadists; those shadowy, faceless men in dark suits. Well maybe less a hunch than fact based on the way the one holding me is digging into my skin as far as he can go without knocking me straight out.

This... Is decidedly not how hugs work.

Let me start with this; it was a stupid idea in hindsight. Heck, foresight, too. What was an idiot living alone in a matchbox apartment planning to do with all that money?

You're about to find out... Judgeth me and perish says a biblical philosopher of ancient times.

My eyes blank as he playfully squeezes the life out of me but I give a small smile like this is all a game and cock my head to the side, nice and slow. "Tell your boss... Or bosses... That I bought myself a teddy bear with the money."

The men's heads all snap to me. The one holding the instrument I'm meant to be getting un-phalanged with sucks in a sharp breath, nearly dropping it. They look at me as if they didn't hear me and I repeat myself.

"I bought what is probably the biggest, softest teddy bear in the world. I call the fucker Onyx or Obsidian, depending on how the day went. And Chumchum Charcoal on the weekends. I like colours I guess. And it's the prettiest shade of the colour I've ever seen! And when you lay on him, you just absolutely sink into his belly like gosh, it is worth every colourful paper rectangle spent-"

"I'm sorry...?"

"Oh, that's okay. I'm not mad about the oxygen. I spend every panic attack I have searching for it so I'm used to the deprivation. In fact, I've had a pretty good number since you guys decided to chase me to the ends of the earth but I'm guessing no one's paying for my therapy so all's well."

"You spent that thick wad of cash on a toy?!" Another yells.

"A stuffed animal. And I love him. Gives me great hugs."

"Jesus." The third spits, probably just so we can remember he's there. He's the quiet type like me. I try to send him a grin but it hurts to emote.

"Oh, that guy? I bet he probably took a second's glance down at my crapfest of a life while playing Poker with Loki and the devil and giggled. But luckily, between the one that flooded the earth and was forgiven cos he sent a fucking rainbow and the other that did... something or other with a young girl out of the blue, the hippie with the beard and crown that talks about peace and love is my definite favourite."

"Kid-"

"Although, he was a hypeman about paying taxes and I didn't like that. But that part where he fucked up some vendors was such a violent slay hooray for violence and passed-down genes suddenly exposing themselves to the sunli-"

"Although he was such a hypeman about paying taxes and I didn't like that. But that part where he fucked up some vendors was such a violent slay hooray for violence and passed-down genes suddenly exposing themselves to sunli-"lthough he was such a hypeman about paying taxes and I didn't like that. But that part where he fucked up some vendors was such a violent slay hooray for violence and passed-down genes suddenly exposing themselves to sunli-"

"If you don't choose a finger in ten seconds, we're taking your whole goddamn hand. Your stupidity may be catching; I'd rather not be touching you."

"Rude. I'd rather you not be touching me either but you don't see me complaining while I'm in a headlock! Anyway, I've thought of this exact senario before so I already know the one I want to say bye to. I love my pinkie but it's got to go."

I close my eyes and count down from a million. It hurts about as bad as I imagined, getting worse with time. I stare at the blood on my hands and feel myself get a little faint, barely hearing them as they threaten me. The quiet one remains... Quiet. I love how he conserves his energy and doesn't waste it screaming jibber-jabble at me. I'm just as much an NPC in his story as he is in mine, after all.

"If you don't pay us back soon, we're taking another pound of flesh!"

"Aww... A Shakespeare fan... That's adorable. I knew I wasn't the only gay in this town. Also, tell your doms that they can suck on my pinkie dick!! I paid for my teddy and m keeping him! And another thing-"

I got slammed on the back of the head, the world dark around me. I wake in my ted's arms. He's smiling down at me with those creepy, unblinking eyes. Luckily, I've known their species since childhood so I'm already used to it.

The sky is a dark mess and I'm still bleeding.

I also still don't have any money. Maybe they'll sell my pinkie to fancy rich cannibals on the black market and leave me alone...?

Guess I better choose which piece they get to hack off next time. Who needs body parts when you've got a snuggle at the end of the day to make you feel better, right? Chumchum gets it. He gets me! And I will not be sending my best friend into to some filthy rich, unknown little crook's arms just because I need blood and appendages to live my life! What kind of selfish cuddle-buddy would that make me?!

Guess I better choose which piece they get to hack off next time. Who needs body parts when you've got a snuggle at the end of the day to make you feel better, right? Chumchum gets it.And I will not be selling my best friend into to some rich, unknown little crook's arms just because I need blood and appendages to live my life! What kind of selfish cuddle-buddy would that make me?!

And I will not be selling my best friend into to some rich, unknown little crook's arms just because I need blood and appendages to live my life! What kind of selfish cuddle-buddy would that make me?!And I will not be selling my best friend into to some rich, unknown little crook's arms just because I need blood and appendages to live my life! What kind of selfish cuddle-buddy would that make me?!