Vexation

I think it’s absolutely ridiculous that I was forced into existence: to work my dick off in jobs I detest, to be in pain, to pay bills, to suffer illness, to go from being happy to near despondent at any given moment for no reason whatsoever, to deal with assholes, to feel loneliness, to be so OCD that I have to check my locked goddamn doors 12 times before I fall asleep, and on and on.

I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask to be born.

“Life is a gift” is such a bullshit sentiment. Aren’t gifts supposed to be full of fun and bring cheer? If life is a gift, then why do I have to work so fucking hard to find the fun and the cheer?

When we were kids, Dad always told us kids suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

A temporary problem.

Pfffft.

Life is a temporary problem, one problem right after the fucking other; when do I get to be free of problems?

<deeeeeep breath>

I didn’t ask to be here. I’m just exhausted.

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight. Not forever, but finally make it through a full night without lying awake wondering when the pain stops.

I know I am loved and valued and make a difference to those around me,

but godDammit–

sometimes that’s just not enough to sustain my positivity.

But I’ve battled and persevered through some fucked up shit to arrive at the person I am now,

but again–

I didn’t ask for this battle.

Christ almighty, when do I get to breathe?! I’m weary from suffocation.

You know, when I was down or could have used a little help, I was on the receiving end of annoyance, or made to feel like I was a burden, or made to feel that other people’s problems or situations were more important than mine and what I was going through when I reached out for a shoulder to cry on for a bit.

That shouldn't be too much to ask of your parents, right?

To talk? To be there? To listen?

My parents brought me into this “cherished gift of life” because they wanted to have children. Selfishly, because it was expected, to fill a want or a need or a void, I don’t know… I lost the ability to discern why they wanted kids. I guess their distance and annoyance all rudely showed me I wasn’t a child anymore, so I grew up because it was clear they expected me to figure it out for myself.

And then I fucking grew up to the point that I didn’t need to rely on them anymore, and then they had the

Audacity

to say I abandoned them.

With everything I have fought through to get where I am now, they want me to give that all up and just come back and take care of them because that’s what I am supposed to do? Because I am their child, it is my lot in life to care for them as they are ailing?

FUCK ALL OF THAT.

I didn’t ask for Any of this.

Our parents treat my siblings - who did give up their lives to care for them - like utter garbage. The parents act like angels when the social workers arrive and morph back into devils when the workers leave. No respite or peace for the ones providing constant care.

It’s not my fault you refused to go and to listen to the doctors who could help you. It’s not my fault you didn’t do your physical therapy. It’s not my fault you refused to leave the house. It’s not my fault you turned down medication. It’s not my fault you never dealt with your demons. No one discouraged you from maintaining your health; in fact, all you could do is shrug it off.

But now I am the one who is selfish, wanting to be and remain happy and not be dragged into the depths of their fucking misery.

You gave up. I NEVER gave up.

I did not ask for ANY of this. I cannot save you. I love you, but I have to save myself.

My story isn't over yet.

<exasperated sigh>

I Should be sad that they are dying.

I’m not.

To me, they died a long time ago. Only their bodies are here.

I am not a vindictive person, but I will not be made to feel guilty for putting me and what’s best for me first.

Ever.

Again.

Goodbye.