‘things’ I have lost

There is a treasure box, in it is everything I have ever lost,

opening it however, comes with a cost.

I could seek my dad's sense of humor,

but attached to him are the visuals of realities that to others were just rumor.

I could look for my husband's beautiful eyes,

but they are surrounded with how I feel not having gotten to tell them goodbye.

I could look for my Grandfather's gentle nature-

but it's glued to his cries as I carried him to the house after finding him; with that razor.

I could find my Grandmother's LOVE in just a second, I know it-

but it's welded to smiling at her eyes as she died, and I was horrified but couldn’t show it.

I could search for a time I felt loved by my mom,

but it's more likely I'd find in a ring box- a nuclear bomb.

I could go way back to my first love's laugh,

but I know when I'd hear it, I would also hear that gun blast.

I could look for my best friend, how I'd well up with joy!

but attached to that is an image of his funeral, and a very sad little boy.

I could look for myself... like in a past form,

but until recently any version of me was some sort of raging terrible storm.

I could look for my youth, my innocents, my childhood,

but they are all wrapped up in scads of paperwork- and none of it good.

I could chose to reclaim my aunt who was nothing but pure good and sound,

but as big as our love was, attached to it now is how small cancer made her, 62 pounds.

I could easily desire to want to see my dog-

but I had to work years to get past the time wrapped around her of sad fog.

I suppose I could look for a tangible thing...

my favorite chapstick, that one blue sweater, my husband's class ring-

I guess I don't miss much, of things you can hold,

I never found value in money, possessions; I don't even care for nostalgia truth be told.

I know where that box is, I see it all the time-

it's my heart that's the 'chest' and the key- in my mind.

I am not searching for my past, not anymore...

anything I have lost comes with something that keeps me emotionally poor.

I can't even think of a thing I'd desire or for a day want to borrow,

because all I seek now- is the day after tomorrow.