Just Need Time

“I don’t blame you.” The words slipped out of my mouth almost as easily as an “I’m sorry“ or a “thank you.” It was too easy and I knew I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean it beac it was her fault. She left a stupid cigarette on the stupid counter by the stupid paper towels. She left it there and then went for a walk and my baby brother was still inside. My sister was supposed to be watching him while he napped and the rest of the family ran to the store. She‘s 14 so we thought she was mature enough to handle this task. Turns out she wasn’t. Her friend came over and then they were smoking! I don’t know what is wrong with her. Stupid! I can’t believe she would do this! It’s all her fault! Now she’s sobbing on my shoulder begging me for forgiveness. She didn’t mean to. It was an accident. Of course I told her I forgive her. What kind of monster would I be if I told her it was her fault? I love her and I hate her at the same time. I would hate for her to go through the rest of her life believing that it’s her fault that little Tommy is gone, but at the same time I know that it is her fault. So I lie. I lie to her so that she feels better. I’m sorry for the lie, and I know she means her apology, but I can’t do this right now. I can’t handle feeling sorry for her right now because I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself. I‘m so numb at the moment that I can barely hear the words my sister is sayin. I’m sure she’s making excuses and explaining herself and apologizing over and over, but I can’t handle it. I talk like I’m mad at her, and I am, but the truth is that I will forgive her. I do forgive her. I really do. I don’t blame her. I just need time to heal, and I think time is what we will all need.