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i am looking for joy in sorrow.

i am counting the days. small white birds take flight

and i am here, so near

to you but for these oceans.

i am waiting for the light to come.

i am alone and in the grip of sanity, i never

knew how love could rip

from me all i am. i have thought that i do not

want to live. dreams of you

pass by too quickly to grasp, and i linger

in sleep far longer than i should

and when i wake i cling to the whisper

of your dream-voice, the fading

shape of your smile. i can almost remember

the color of the sky that day

your hand in mine, or mine in yours

i was so small. i am still

so desperately small. the memory

of you sits hard in my throat

and i cannot see. i never knew how love

could cut, how the knife

would stay inside all this time.

i am not saying i miss you.

i am saying i would go back and live

each hour again with you, and i would take back

every lie i told, every time i turned away.

i would open my eyes until sleep

caught me and even then i would wait for you

in my dreams. my dreams

now are birds in flight, and i am running

after with this stone in my throat.

i am looking for you among them.

i am trying to number the days

until this passes, they say it passes. i am

believing it. i loved the oceans once,

loved the blue endless strain of it

its movement, the romance.

i am remembering that. what more can i

hold on to but the dark shape of you i dreamed of

across oceans, and i should have come to you.

i should have been braver.

i should have relented.

i am searching the present for a way

into the past, and each day that passes is a hard

thing i take from my throat and gather.

i move further from you. it hurts.