My Name Is Shallowgenepool and I Am a Zombieholic

Okay, I admit it, zombie novels are one of my guiltiest of pleasures. Sure, they're so predictable they seem like they're written from a template, but I can't help it! What's worse, I have read enough zombie fiction to write a doctorate dissertation on the subject. So, this is my chance to totally fucking geek out on the zombie, "Literature" I am drawn to like a tweaker to unwatched spool of copper wire. For those who are zombie illiterate, let me offer some of my waaaaay too thought out observations.

Cause of Zombie Apocalypse

In the majority of zombie novels, the zombification of humanity is almost always the result of science gone ass up. Basically, some scientists who must have gotten their degrees from a Cracker Jack box try to play God. What's worse, they're contamination protocol is so bad it was likely gotten for free on Pinterest. Apparently, no one at Build an Apocalypse Incorporated is smart enough to keep a can of Lysol handy in case their naughty zombie creator escapes its Petry dish. Now the reasons the virus is created in the first place can be divided into two categories (with the rare exception):

1. The zombifier is the result of rogue medical research. In this case, the scientists are blindly trying to create a panacea that ends all disease and lets people either live forever or at least as long as it takes for a box of Twinkies to go bad. Of course, the virus has other plans.

2. An evil government tries to create the ultimate biological weapon or the means to create super soldiers that can be shot, stabbed, blown up, or forced into having sexual relations with a Kardashian and continue to function. Personally, I think having sex with Kardashian would make for the perfect cause of a zombie apocalypse in the next, truly unique zombie saga. It makes total sense because I bet the poor doctor who has to do a Kardashian pap smear has to inform the CDC before and after the procedure takes place. My guess is that a Kardashian gyno exam is viewed by communicable disease experts with the same level of fear as if Starbucks started to offer iced weaponized anthrax, with fat-free botulism, a dusting of small pox, and a frothy foam of soy based bubonic plague on top ( one pump of antibiotic resistant gonorrhea syrup can be added for just fifty cents extra).

Know Your Zombie

Zombies in zombie apocalypse novels typically come in two varieties. Let's discuss.

1. The Slow Mover: The Slow Mover zombie is just that. Slow. These Zombies move slow and have the intelligence of moldy bread. The only advantage that the Slow Mover has is that it tends to roam in hordes. These hordes look a lot like the inside of a Walmart on a Sunday afternoon only the zombies have better hygiene and fashion sense. It is strength in numbers that allows the Slow Mover to be successful.

2. The Fast Mover: This zombie is becoming more popular in zombie novels. Typically, a Fast Mover zombie will be able to run instead of shamble slowly. This variety of undead also seems to have a bit of intelligence. This bit of intelligence is equivalent to that of someone who goes to one of those colleges run out of mobile homes that advertised during Judge Judy level of intelligence. For example, a Fast Mover may know how to open a door where the classic Slow Mover would have to beat on the door eventually opening it by the sure number of zombies trying to get what's on the other side.

Okay, now that the possible cause(s) of the zombie apocalypse and the characteristics of the undead has been established, we need to discuss how the virus all but wipes out the human race. Basically, it boils down to normally competent protective institutions like the military and police suddenly becoming about as competent as a FOX News anchor. There are many examples of how this is used in zombie apocalypse stories, but I will focus on the two most commonly used.

The Armed Forces

Somehow during the apocalypse, the militaries of the world manage to forget everything they have been taught. First, they forget how to secure a strong, defensible perimeter. Apparently, the branches of the military as portrayed in many zombie novels decide to make a Home Depot run before they enter the fray because their protective barrier of choice are chain link fences (maybe chain link was on sale?). Of course chain link fences will work against THOUSANDS of undead bodies putting all their weight on the fence. What's worse, the evacuation plans seem to have been drawn up by a third grader. To evacuate the living the military and police decide to protect survivors by stuffing them into places like sports stadiums (once again surrounded by those ever so reliable chain link fences). This plan offers up the zombie equivalent of a Las Vegas breakfast buffet. Of course, someone who is infected somehow gets inside. Once turned, the zombie bites someone which starts a chain reaction of zombie making until the stadium is filled with zombies. My guess is the end result looks a lot like a Nickelback concert (truly terrifying).

The biggest fuck up the military makes is that it fails to use is the one weapon that is totally zombie-proof, FUCKING TANKS! An Abrams tank would make short work of thousands of zombies in minutes just by RUNNING THE FUCKERS OVER! No shots need to be fired. The zombies, drawn to the noise, basically come out and ask to be plowed over. Some argue that it would be difficult to get soldiers to attack their own people and the hesitation would be disastrous. BULLSHIT! Show an army battalion footage of zombies chowing down on their neighborhoods and they'll be all in. I have a lot of confidence in our military to enthusiastically fuck shit up in an efficient and methodical way because my dad served in the Navy on an aircraft carrier for almost 20 years. In times when our country was in danger they would enthusiastically write things on missiles like, "Killing is Our Business and Business is Good." In short, our men and women in uniform may not want to put down thousands of their fellow Americans, but they'll do it and find a way to have fun at the same time.

Society Collapses

A common theme in zombie apocalyptic fiction is how society collapses when the zombies have wiped out 99% of the world's population. Basically, with no government or structure, by chapter five yesterday's accountant becomes a charismatic, post-apocalyptic warlord capable of gathering followers. With his followers, the warlord then begins a campaign of cruelty, violence, rapine, and mayhem against the average survivor. The thought here is that humanity's dark side comes out when there is no authority left to cage it in. Are you fucking serious? To emphasize how stupid this is I will use real history. Back in the dark ages Vikings would raid up and down Europe, plundering, burning, and raping but they were never able to fully gain control of those they picked on. Why? Because people at heart are generally good and NO ONE likes a bully. So, the poor peasants and local authorities would band together and eventually send the very outnumbered Vikings packing. The same applies to post-apocalyptic society. Warlords may try to rise, but they would eventually lose because people would band together and put them down.

The Hero

The protagonist(s) in zombie apocalyptic yarns also tend to fall into two categories. One a little more plausible than the other.

1. Former cop(s) or soldier(s). Of course, those familiar with weapons and tactics would be the obvious choice for the heroes of the zombie apocalypse. They also have the discipline needed to work as a cohesive unit. Although to keep them motivated you may need to make sure there is at least one donut shop left running or brothel still seeing guests. So, with motivation, these heroes make sense.

2. The average schmuck(s). The average guy(s) or girl(s) as protagonist wouldn't be too big of a stretch except for one thing. They always start out ignorant of how to defend themselves, but by chapter five they have the skill set of fucking Rambo. For example the mild mannered IT guy suddenly can expertly use all forms of weaponry and also fabricate bombs out of chewing gum, women's hygiene products, and match sticks. Now don't get me wrong, most people will adapt and adapt quickly to horrible circumstances, but the least the authors of these novels could do is make the learning curve last longer than the first hundred pages!

The Unsung Heroes: The Blue Collar Factor

One thing very absent in zombie novels is how many normal people have the knowledge needed to defend themselves and even take the offensive against the undead. Look no further than the average welder. With their skills, a welder could fabricate good defensive measures such as reinforced doors, windows, and even make improvised weapons. Even better, give a welder a bull dozer and some sheet metal and he can create an impenetrable zombie death machine. Farmers, mechanics, electricians, and construction workers also have skill sets that would make short work of undead hordes.

The Unsung Hero: Mother Nature

Many zombie novels ask us to suspend disbelief a little too much. For example, as almost universally written, zombies quickly succumb to various levels of decay. Right there you have the end to the apocalypse! Open wounds or decay would bring in the flies by the billions. The flies would then use the decay and open wounds as food source for their progeny. It may take a while, but the maggots would decimate zombies. No matter how far you allow yourself to suspend disbelief eventually you have to concede that a zombie being devoured by maggots will soon loose the muscles, tendons, and other tissues needed to move and will then be rendered harmless.

Zombies: Victims of their own Zombiehood

Okay, the last point I will make is that pretty much every zombie novel you will read will stay close to one idea. That idea is that zombies are almost always incapable of complex thought. So, it would be very easy to lure zombies to their own deaths. The sound of a motorcycle's engine would attract every zombie around. Once gathered together, you could then herd the zombies using bait into large buildings, open spaces, or areas with ways in but no way out by the thousands. These areas could then be hit by the military, fabricated explosives, fire, or Justin Bieber's Greatest Hits thus wiping them out with very little risk.

So, I am ashamed to admit it, but I have probably read thousands of pages of zombie books. I guess it's no worse than those romance novels they sell in supermarkets. Anyway, in the unlikely event that the rules of biology take a pisser and dead flesh can be reanimated with an appetite for human flesh, please consider this as a good zombie survival primer.