someone called her my girlfriend and it made it all real
I'm afraid. I guess that's the only way I can put it. I lay awake at night thinking about the beautiful girl that I'm so lucky to be able to call mine yet, I'm so absolutely afraid. maybe I've come to have a fear of things ending. everything good in my life seems to have found some way to come to a devastating end. my best and strongest friendship. my parents marriage. whatever the fuck relationship I had with the girl who will never cease to occupy a place in my mind only reserved for people that come and refuse to leave. but yet, I guess none of those things were ever good, were they? maybe because the last girl that told me she loved me tore me apart limb from limb and made me believe that all I was worth was abuse. maybe because I've been known to destroy things before they have a chance to destroy me. but there's this beautiful girl that's calling me "her girl" and I'm telling my friends I have a girlfriend and all of it is so exhilarating yet so absolutely terrifying. I've dreamed about the day that this becomes real yet now a part of me is wishing she would stay in Thailand for just a little bit longer until I can figure out what the fuck I want because I want her I do but what if she doesn't want me the way I want her and what if she isn't okay because there's some things I don't want and what if she tears me apart again. I can't do that again. what if history repeats itself. I barely survived it the first time, I don't know if I can survive it again. or if I'll want to survive it again. I want to be her everything yet being someone's everything is so hard and I'm afraid I won't be enough because I've never been enough for anyone and last time I tried well we see how that turned out with her threatening to kill herself to make me stay and maybe this is why relationships terrify me yet I crave to have something that defines the love another has for me because someone's love for me has never been real so maybe a title will finally make it real. maybe.