I’m Still Just a Child Trying to Explore My Life.

This excerpt contains minor spoilers for my unreleased book.

“You were supposed to be a valedictorian!” Mom shouted, forcing a laugh. “What happened? Are you being lazy? Have you slacked off on studying again?”

I widened my eyes, my chest starting to tighten. If only she could understand. I slacked off on studying because it was starting to mentally eat me alive. I was being ‘lazy’ because I couldn’t even complete basic tasks without feeling exhausted afterwards.

I struggled to even wake up every day. “No,” I said, keeping my voice as low and as reserved as possible. “I wasn’t required to be one. You forced me to want to be one.”

“No I didn’t,” Mom muttered, vigorously shaking her head. “You wanted this for so long. You wanted to make yourself feel proud all this time, and now you decided to throw all that effort away.” She raised her voice, scooting her body forward towards

me.

“I wanted it for so long because that seemed to be the only way I can actually have validation from you.” I glared at her, sweat running down the side of my face. I clenched a fist as I bit the insides of my cheek, my lungs turning into fragments again.

“I—” Mom spluttered. “No, when did I ever say that? When did I ever act like that? I never acted like that. Being a valedictorian should not be a hard task. It’s just straight A’s for four years. I don’t see why you’re so damn burdensome all the sudden—”

I stood up from my chair, resentment rising in my body. “I’m struggling, okay?” I yelled, my blood turning cold. “Do you know how hard it is to maintain that for four years? I can’t always be perfect to you all the time. If you were in my shoes, you would know exactly how I’m feeling. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to do this for the sake of your happiness, because I wasn’t even doing this to make myself proud! I only wanted to please you just so I wouldn’t feel so

useless to you!”

Mom gaped, her eyebrows starting to slant. Dad’s smile was growing larger.

“Grades don’t define me or anyone. You really don’t know me at all,” I muttered, huffing out a rough breath. “I thought you would’ve known that by now, considering the fact that Dad literally had to go through that in order to teach me properly about perfection! I don’t even know if he ever told you that!”

“Yes, grades define you! It gets you to a good college and you will have a good future! Otherwise, you would be working at a fast food restaurant for the rest of your life!” Mom yelled back, her voice faltering from her aching throat.

“If I’m even alive by then!” I ticked off, my face tensing up. “Do you know how hard it is to even be alive, especially in this society!?” I choked out a laugh out of exasperation.

“You don’t get it. I try so hard to be everything to you but in reality it backfired because now I’m only doing this for you. Nothing else. You only admire me as your child because I was perfect, and only for that reason. I wasn’t even supposed to be perfect! I was supposed to be human! I’m still just a child trying to explore my life!”

Mom widened her eyes out of disbelief, her pupils shrinking. “Oh, no, August. You don’t raise your voice like that. Am I being a bad mother then!? Am I!? I just want the best for you. I only pressured you because I love you. I think you’re just so sensitive like all crummy teenagers nowadays. I guess I’m just bad at being a mother.”

“No! That’s not what I meant—” I stammered.

“Do you not love me after all!? I gave you food, shelter, and I carried you for nine whole months! Some kids at your age don’t even have that privilege! Be grateful for what you have because now you’re just being ungrateful. You have everything. I had nothing when I was growing up,” Mom hoarsely said.

I felt my lips tightening. Food, shelter, and water were only the bare necessities. That’s literally what you needed to provide to be a parent.

“I tried. I tried everything. I gave up my life just for you, and this is what I get in return!?” Mom retorted. “Why do you only think about yourself!? Selfish. Why can’t you be more like Eden? Why is that so hard for you?”

And then my words escaped from my mouth without thinking first. I wanted this to stop. “I had everything except for the biggest thing that ties everything together,” I wept, taking my eyes away from everyone. I can’t believe I talked back to her.

“What? You have everything. There’s nothing else you need except—”

“Unconditional love,” I answered for her. “All I wanted was to feel like I belong here without having to constantly ask to feel loved by you. And do you know why I can’t be more like Eden?” I huffed out a weak laugh. “It’s because unlike you, he actually cared. And guess what? It didn’t even matter if I was struggling. He still loved me regardless.

Unlike you.”

And that immediately silenced her.