9/15 // september (i must to survive)

i.

a swelling sadness

growing deep within my chest

(pulling, pressing, pushing)

seeping into everything i

touch

ii.

i should have expected less

(i should have been hurt by less)

i know it’s not your fault

(it feels like it is, though)

why did you keep

pushing, pressing, pulling?

why did you keep

going, even beyond the initial wound?

iii.

why did the disappointment

curdle in my stomach,

grab me by the throat,

twist the knife in my stomach?

iv.

i tried so hard to

not expect, to not

hurt at the absence,

but i did! my silly heart

aches.

my silly heart—expected

too much, wanted

too much, and it aches—

too much.

(WHY COULDN’T I LET IT GO! WHY CAN’T I LET GO?)

v.

it’s

five days until

my birthday. i want to

rip my heart out, set its beating

aches and wants and wishes aside

for the week. i want to let it go,

i want to stop expecting people

to do what they’ll say and

say what they’ll do and

care enough about the

silly, inconsequential date and i

want to just!! stop feeling so awful

about it all.

vi.

can’t i just have a birthday

and have it be nice?

vii.

why am i so sad about this!

i should have expected this!

i shouldn’t be hurt by this!

(five days)

(five days—)

(can my heart)

(just take a break)

(for five days)

viii.

i’m going to love and enjoy and

cherish deeply each day of

september. i’m going to love and

enjoy and cherish deeply each

day of september. whether i like it or

not, i’m going to love and

enjoy and cherish deeply

each day of september. i have to i have to

i have to! i must to survive,