Good Friends
I'm not sure why seeing other people with friends makes me angry.
It's funny---I have friends too. It wasn't because I was by myself and was desperate to find friends.
I watched a group of people hysterically laugh from afar.
I watched them nudge each other's shoulders.
I watched them soften their faces and drew out a teethless smile.
I watched them make jokes.
I watched them shed a tear.
And then I watched them bring themselves into a group hug.
And then I glanced back at my own friend group.
We practically do the same thing.
So why was I so angry?
They laughed like them.
They would make jokes about each other.
They would make each other feel secure.
They would do things that good friends do.
But it only took me a second to realize.
They would only do that when I wasn't there.
As soon as I stepped into my friend group,
they gave me a blank stare as if I was a stranger to them.
but I laughed it off
because I thought that was what good friends do
good friends aren't supposed to treat you like a stranger.
good friends are supposed to make you feel like you belong.
good friends have your back.
and good friends acknowledge that you exist as your own person.
maybe that was why I was angry.
I never got the affection that other friends group had.
I never got any of it.
despite giving the same kind of affection to them, did I ever get any in return?
despite being in a friend group
despite not being alone
I was still undeniably more alone than when I was actually by myself.
and suddenly, I was in elementary again
wondering why no one wanted to be friends with me
for seven years.