Skates And Heartbreak

“Carful Sammy”! David yelled anxiously as he watched his daughter put on her roller skates for the first time: “Are you sure you don’t want a hand”? “No daddy I’m doing it”! Sammy protested as she fastened up the skates and began to stand, after wobbling for a few seconds she fell back down on her butt: “oof”. David chuckled: “Told you you might need some help”. He reached out a hand to help her but she didn’t take it, desiring instead to pull herself up, after a couple more falls she managed to steady herself: “Ta da”! “See daddy, you don’t always have to help me, i’m getting bigger you know”. David smiled proudly at her: “I know baby, are you gonna let me see you skate now”? Sammy nodded: “Mmhmm”. Sammy began slowly gliding around the room: “Weeee, this is fun its like I’m driving”! “No, wait, flying”! “i’m flying daddy”! “Weee”! David laughed again: “So you like them then”? He called as she skated passed him: “Best present ever daddy thank you”! He continued to watch as his little girl skated around their living room, he was happy to have been able to buy her the skates but he couldn’t help thinking about Ellie, the skates were the exact present she said she’d always planned on giving Sammy for her 8th birthday. He didn’t talk about her much to Sammy, he didn’t trust himself not to cry in front of her. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he thought about how excited Ellie got as Sammy’s 8th birthday got closer and closer, she’d count down the months till when she could give her what she considered every 8 year old’s rite of passage. David made sure to get the exact ones Ellie had been going on and on about for months: they were purple, Sammy’s favourite colour and very very sparkly. He sighed as Sammy passed by him again, she noticed the look on his face and stopped: “A-are you thinking about mummy”? “E-erm no baby, I-i’m just thinking”- Sammy cut him off with a hug, David pulled her onto his lap and held her tight, fighting the urge to burst into tears: “I’m not a baby anymore daddy, you can tell me if you’re sad, why are you trying to be normal”? he sighed: “I’m sorry baby, I just wanted today to be special for you that’s all, no sad talk”. “But we never talk about her”. “I know… i’m sorry…. Your mummy would be so proud of you you know that”? “You’re getting to be such a big strong girl, she’s the one who gave me the idea for the skates”. Sammy gasped: “Really”?! David smiled fondly at her: “Yeah”. Sammy looked up to the ceiling: “Thank you mummy, daddy and I really miss you but thank you for the skates”! That’s when the dam broke, and all the emotion David had been holding back these past couple months came flooding out as he began to sob: “S-sammy…. Baby I’m so sorry… daddy’s so sorry”. Sammy wrapped her arms around him as he cried: “Don’t be sorry daddy, you’re allowed to cry, I cry too sometimes”. Tears began to stream down Sammy’s own face as the two held each other. After a while they both sat in comfortable silence: “Some birthday huh”? David commented attempting to lighten the mood a little: “No party just tears”. Sammy giggled: “I didn’t want s party anyway just cake and you, and you got me skates”! “The best skates ever”! she kissed him on the cheek: “I love you daddy”. “I love you too baby… and i’m so sorry about mummy”… Sammy sighed, snuggling into him: “Me too, can we talk about her more please”? “So it feels like she’s still here”? David swallowed: “I’ll try my beautiful girl”. He answered stroking her hair and kissing her forehead. He meant it, he really would try to talk about Ellie more, even if every time he said her name it made him feel like he could crumble at any second, if that’s what his daughter needed he’d try, just like he did with the skates, it was probably time he stopped trying to block it all out anyway.