He Suffereth Not Insurance Companies

So, I was on my way to work, minding my own business when this silver Rolls Royce Cloud cut me off, sliding in front of me with centimeters to spare. Then the jack ass decides to break. Of course, the laws of physics dictated that my car's body in motion stayed in motion slamming into the Rolls' whose movement came to an abrupt halt in front of me. It was time to get trailer park on this rich fucker who doesn't know how to drive.

"A turn signal woulda been nice," I growled jumping out of my car. A weird glow suddenly appeared from within the Rolls and I heard a host of angelic voices singing in Latin as a sandaled foot left the driver's side of the car. Before the driver stepped out a rainbow suddenly appeared over the car accompanied by an earth-shaking thunder. Understandably startled, I then noticed the vanity plate on the Rolls that read, "HOLIEST1."

"Fuck me." I said, "I had to go and rear end God."

Of course, when God stepped out of his car I was blinded by a heavenly light and had to turn my head. Squinting, I waited for the expected lightening bolt to hit me. After all, if you rear end God, you're probably going to experience that wrath he's so famous for. After a couple seconds I realized that I hadn't been fried to a crisp.....yet. The ground then shook with his voice.

"ART THOU ALRIGHT?" he asked.

"Um, yeah," I stammered. His voice was exactly like I thought it'd be, one part Morgan Freeman, one part James Earl Jones, and one part James Brown.

"It I who transgressed against thee," he said, lowing his voice to a mild rumble. "I'm not good with signals."

"That, uh your Godliness, is the understatement of fucking creation," I said feeling a little emboldened.

"What meanest thou," God asked, with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Note to self, thou shalt not swear before god. "Well, in case you haven't noticed every religion on the planet believes that it is the one true faith. You need to clarify what it is that you want us to do and how we should treat each other. And forget using messengers and prophets to proclaim your will to humanity. That has NEVER worked and it never will. YOU need to say it for yourself because if you don't wars will continue to be fought in your name, people will continue to be conned out of their money by those pretending to do your work, and priests will continue to prey on altar boys. No more ancient, vague instructions that are open to random interpretation. Be specific!"

"Hmmm, thee maketh a good point," God replied, "I've been meaning address these issues. Maybe I could appear unto someone as a burning bush again. It worked with Moses."

"Nope." I said, "It only sorta worked back then and it won't work at all now."

"A smiting like Sodom and Gomorrah, with fire and brimstone," God pondered.

"Probably not," I replied, "Although if you go that route, might I suggest Fresno, Bakersfield, Nashville (with particular emphasis on the Grand Ole Opry), Atlanta, Pensacola, Mobile, or Dallas as potential targets for the destruction of entire cities thing?"

"If it is my will it shall be done," God offered. "Maybe sendeth a plague of locusts?"

"No."

"Turn rivers to blood...set forth the angel of death...a plague of frogs on the land?"

"No, No, and NO!" I cried. "JESUS CHRIST! None of that is gonna work!"

"Junior can't help," God sighed. "Thou won't get any smiting or wrath out of him. What dost thou suggest?" God asked.

I sighed. Leave it to me to open my big mouth. I get into a fender bender and find myself consulting God on how to stop humanities religion driven, bat shit crazy, desire to wipe itself off the planet issues. I should have taken a sick day.

So, I figured I should give it a shot and explained, "People today don't really think. They're just not interested enough in improving themselves to bother with creating original thought. Instead, they have technology to do it for them. I guess you could call it a techolobotomy.

I paused, hoping I was earning myself a reprieve from damnation.

God gave an earth shaking, "Mmm Hmmm," so I figured I needed to continue.

"So, the ONLY way you're going to get your message out is a media blitz," I explained. "I'm talking live in-deity interviews on CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS CSPAN, BBC, Telemundo, and Aljazeera. You can forget about FOX news and their ilk, they worship that lying, con artist, sexual predator, draft dodging, Trump for some reason. After the traditional media, you'll need to hit Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and all those other wastes of time. Of course, you'll need to get a YouTube channel going too."

Now I can't tell you if God was getting it or not because of the whole blinding light thing, but I think he did. Plus, I hadn't been struck by lightening or covered in boils yet so I figured he must be listening.

"Now, you'll need to keep your message simple because politicians and Kardashians will be watching. Pretend you're talking to an inbred weasel. You could say something like, "Stop killing each other, you hairless monkeys! This is what I want you to do!' Then you lay it all out emphasizing no more letting people go without food or medical care, stop fighting wars, and end prejudice and hatred. Most important of all, stop making no talent hacks like Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift famous!"

"Hmmm. I shall taketh it up with Paul, he handles PR," God replied.

I nodded, thinking I might have ducked the wrath of God thing. Still, there was the matter of the fender bender. "I guess we should exchange information."

God chucked and said, "I created all, with the help of evolution. I suffer not insurance companies. A fender bender is nothing."

Then our two cars were surrounded by a soft, glowing light. Amazed, I watched as my front bumper and the rear end of the Rolls miraculously mended themselves.

"Thanks your Godliness, "Just one more thing. What brings you down here?"

I was surprised to hear God sigh, "Savior's mama drama. Mary thinketh it's funny to appear in potato chips and rock formations. She also maketh statues unto her bleed from the eyes. The angels hath warned me she is planning to put her image on the backs of all calves born on this day. It brought laughter unto us at first, now it's a burden unto heaven. I must stop this, even Junior is scornful of his mother's foolishness."

Feeling that my audience with the Big Guy in the Sky was over I started walking towards, my car, "Yeah that does seem annoying," I said thinking I just dodged an Old Testament level smiting. "Thanks again for healing my Honda."

"Oh thy car will not work," God chuckled.

"Uh, why?" I asked.

"Thine oil, antifreeze, windshield wiper fluid, and all other fluids in thine Honda hath been turned to wine. It happens when me or junior come unto you," God explained opening the door to his Rolls. "Fear not." he said disappearing inside the car, "The Good Samaritan's Roadside Assistance hath been notified and shall help thee."

With that, the Rolls Royce's engine roared to life and the creator of the universe was gone.