Secret Society of Secrets Appraisal for Secrets Release Society
Thank you, everyone, for attending this week's meeting of Secret Society of Secrets Appraisal for Secrets Release Society. As you know, we meet each week to release, that is, declassify things that have been held secret until their expiration dates.
Hereby is the report:
"There really are UFOs." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Elvis isn't dead." This secret is--I repeat--IS--ready to be released.
"Mississippi isn't really a state." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Mississippi isn't really a state you want to live in." This secret is ready to be released.
"COVID-24 will be here early." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Taiwan is preparing to invade mainland China." This secret is not ready to be released before Friday.
"The Speaker of the House is from Louisiana." This secret is ready to be released.
"The Speaker of the House should never be from Louisiana." This secret is not ready to be released.
"The Illuminati have discovered anti-electricity." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Elon Musk has been kicked out of the Illuminati." This secret is ready to be released.
"You can take it with you." This secret is not ready to be released.
"You can even take other people's stuff with you." This secret REALLY REALLY is not ready to be released.
"There is an 11th Commandment, concerning Bill Cosby." This secret is ready to be released.
"Donald Trump can't take a joke." This secret is ready to be released.
"Joe Biden can't get a joke." This secret is not ready to be released.
"A guy named Jim in Akron can't get a break." This secret is ready to be released.
"There are other fish in the sea." This secret is not ready to be released.
"There are some John Does buried under the grassy knoll in Dallas." This secret is ready to be released.
"The Dalai Lama goes bowling with the Pope regularly." This secret is not ready to be released.
"The Dalai Lama is a better bowler than the Pope." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Women are from Venus." This secret is ready to be released.
"Men are from Uranus." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Only Nancy Pelosi is from Mars." This secret is not ready to be released.
"Hitler was never, ever right!" Why is this still a secret? Why must it be released--YET AGAIN?
And there you have it, Keepers of the Secrets. Remember, next week will be a special meeting to decide on whether to keep secret this whole business about, well...let's just say, keep it to yourself till then. Or else. (Just kidding. Not really.)